Crystallized Heart
by forevernever030
Summary: Jocelyn loved Valentine too much, and was too selfish to run away from him. Eventually, Jonathan and Clary grew up together. Everything's fine between the siblings, but what happens when Jace comes into the family and Jonathan starts to change? May be changed to M later on. Clace, Clonathan.
1. Biting My Lip

**Biting My Lip**

 **Clary: eight.**

 **Sebastian: ten.**

"One, two, three."

Then, he uncurls his fingers, revealing a small faerie perched on his palm. It looks afraid, whimpering and shaking a little.

"What's wrong with it?" I ask, scrunching my eyebrows.

"What do you mean? It's perfect."

"It's not smiling," I tell him. "It doesn't look happy."

"But why would you want it to be happy?" He inquires, frowning.

"Wouldn't you want me to be happy?"

He looks at me, not answering my question, his expression unreadable. Then, suddenly breaking the silence, Daddy comes into the room.

"Come on, time to go now," he says.

He's in a handsome suit, looking good as always. I wonder if that's what made Mom fall for him. I hear her crying sometimes at night. Somehow, I know that she cries because of Daddy. I may be young, but I know stuffs. I even know the word, sex.

"We'll be downstairs in a minute, Father," Jonathan says.

He's always been so stiff around Daddy. I don't know why, though. Daddy is the nicest man in the world.

"Alright, hurry, my Angel," he says, kissing me on the forehead.

I giggle, but even Daddy's kiss doesn't chase my anxiousness away. Today is the day Jonathan and I are finally meeting our stepbrother. Daddy adopted him when he was just a baby, but Daddy never introduced him to us yet.

"Jon," I whisper, tugging at my brother's sleeve when Daddy leaves the room. "I don't wanna go."

"I know Clary," he says soothingly, pulling me into his embrace. "But everything will go alright, okay?"

His hugs are always so warm. I love it when he wraps his arms around me when I cry. He makes me feel so safe and protected.

* * *

"Jace, this is Clarissa and Jonathan. Kids, this is Jonathan," Daddy says very, very formally.

"Another Jonathan?" I ask. "That's confusing."

"I like to go by Jace," the boy says.

Although I know they aren't really related, Jace kinda looks like Jonathan. Except, his hair is golden.

"Pretty," I say, touching his hair.

He flinches away a little. I guess I'm a little hurt. Jonathan never does that.

"Angel," Daddy says gently. "It's not polite to touch people's hair."

I wait for Jace to say something in my defense, but he doesn't. Huh, maybe he's not as nice as Jonathan.

"Sorry, Daddy," I say quietly.

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Jace."

"Don't apologize to that asshole," Jonathan says angrily.

Wait, that's a bad word, isn't it?

"Jonathan," Daddy says in a dangerously low voice.

He falls silent instantly. Instead, he glares at our stepbrother who keeps his silence. Fumbling with the hem of my dress, I wait for the awkward moment to pass.

"So," Daddy finally rescues me. "We should probably take Jace home, now. We don't want to be late for dinner, do we?"

* * *

I don't know why, but Mom doesn't seem to like Jace very much. I stuff my mouth with the pasta, wondering what makes her dislike him. I share glances with Jonathan. He looks uncomfortable too, just like me.

"I'm finished," Jonathan says, standing up. "Can I go to my room?"

Daddy opens his mouth, but Mom interrupts.

"Sure," she says.

Now that Jonathan's gone, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable. I stare at Mom like a lost puppy.

"You may be excused too, Clary," she says quietly, so I leave the room.

I go to my brother's room, wanting to be with him.

"Jon?" I ask, walking into the room.

"Hey," he says, sitting on his bed. "Come here."

I sit down beside him, loving the warmth radiating from him.

"So we finally met our stepbrother," I say, picking at my nails.

"He's a rude son of a bitch," he snarls.

"Don't say that. It's a bad word," I scold him. "But do you think that's why Mom doesn't like him?"

"I think Mom just feels uncomfortable with him."

"Why do you think he's rude?"

"He just is. I can see right through him."

"You're so smart, Jon," I say, smiling.

He laughs and messes with my hair.

"Clary?" He says in a hushed whisper.

"Yes?"

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?"

"Why?"

"I just... Want to. Can I?"

"Sure," I tell him. "Is something wrong, Jon?"

"No, everything's fine."

He's lying. I know he is. He looks worried. And scared. And I want to protect him.

* * *

I close the door behind me, and head to the bed. Jonathan is already on the bed, patting the spot beside him. Smiling, I lift the cover and lie down beside him.

"I love you, Clary."

"I love you too."

I wrap my arms around him, loving the warmth and love he's giving me. So we fall asleep in each other's arms, inhaling each other's scent, and listening to each other's breaths.

But on the middle of the night, I'm awakened by the sound of my bedroom door opening. Jonathan flinches beside me, but doesn't open his eyes.

"Daddy?" I ask, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"Sorry I woke you, Angel. Can I see your brother for a moment?"

"He's sleeping, Daddy."

"I know, Angel. Can you please wake him up? This won't take long."

So I decide to shake him awake, and he opens his eyes eventually. His eyes are full of... Fear?

"Jon, Daddy wants to see you."

He nods, getting out of the bed and walking out of the room with Daddy.

After he leaves, I try to stay up and wait up for him, but my heavy eyelids urge me back to sleep. But not for long. I startle up as I feel someone climbing into my bed.

"Jon," I whisper, reaching out to him.

He grabs my hand and lies down beside me. I close my eyes again with my fingers curled around his, but I sense that something's wrong. Jonathan is shaking. And it sounds like he's... Sobbing?

"Jon?" I ask. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Clary. Go back to sleep."

I turn to face him, but he turns around so I can't see his face. I trail my hands down his spine, feeling his shivers until he flinches.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No," he says, his voice hoarse. "I'm fine."

"No, but just let me see," I say, lifting his shirt up a little.

"Clary, stop," he says, sitting up.

"Jon, tell me what's wrong!" I say, raising my voice.

"Shh!" He says, his eyes wild in the dark.

I run to the switch and turn the light on. Adjusting my eyes to the brightness, I approach Jon carefully. His eyes are red and puffy, and he doesn't stop shivering.

"Jon, take your shirt off."

"Stop it. I'm fine, okay?"

"If you were in a fight with someone, I won't tell Daddy. I promise."

Kneeling down beside him, I slowly and gently lift his shirt up. His hand wrap around mine to stop me, but I continue.

"Trust me," I whisper.

I look at his pale back, and gasp.

"Oh my god, Jon. Who did this to you?"

His back is covered with scars that look like he's been whipped. I feel my tears gathering for him. Why didn't he tell me?

"I can't tell you," he whispers painfully.

"Why not? I swear I'll kill whoever did that."

"You don't want to do that."

"Jon, you need to tell Mom and Daddy."

"No!" He says, cringing.

"Why?"

"They'll be... Upset. You don't want them upset, do you?"

"No... But-"

"No buts, Clary. I'm fine. Go to sleep."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Now for heaven's sake, please go back to sleep, Clary."

* * *

Since it's Sunday morning, I decide to stay in the bed for a few more minutes. I stare at Jon, who's sleeping so peacefully. He's so beautiful. And warm. I want to be just like him.

Suddenly, the door creaks open, revealing my new step brother behind the door. His golden hair is a little messy, and looks so pretty, but I'm afraid he'll be mad if I touch it.

"Good morning," I say, sitting up.

"Morning."

"What did I do to be honored with the pleasure of your company?" I say, recalling what I read in a book last night.

Jace frowns, making me think that maybe that wasn't what the character actually said.

"I'm hungry. Do you have anything to eat?"

"Why are you asking me?" I whine, rubbing my eyes. "Go to Mom. She'll fix something for you."

"She's talking to Father. I think they're fighting."

"Then have cereals."

"Where is it?"

"The kitchen, duh," I say, slightly getting annoyed.

"Help me?"

Sighing, I get off the bed and walk into the kitchen with Jace.

"There," I say, taking out a box of cereals. "Eat."

"Aren't you going to eat with me?"

"I don't really feel like it. I'm gonna go outside," I say.

Then, I go back to my room and get my sketchpad, careful not to wake Jonathan. So with my sketchpad, I head outside and start climbing my favorite tree.

"I bet I can climb faster than that."

The sudden interruption makes me fall, and I land on my butt.

"Ow," I complain, scowling at my step brother.

He just shrugs nonchalantly, crossing his arms.

"I thought you were going to have breakfast. I wanted to know what you're doing."

I squint my eyes and cock my head for a second, quickly replaying what he said before.

"You can't go faster than me. I'm even faster than Jon at climbing."

It is true. I'm much lighter and smaller.

"Wanna race?"

Smiling, I slouch against the tree. No one has ever, I repeat, ever beaten me at climbing. My body is perfect for climbing.

"Okay," I say confidently. "The loser has to do whatever the winner says for the rest of the day."

"Deal," he smirks. "I'll start at the opposite side."

He goes around the tree, and I can see a bit of him between the branches.

"Three, two, one, go!" I yell, and start climbing as fast as I can.

I feel adrenaline pumping through my veins as I push myself up, and finally arriving on the top of the tree.

"I won!" I exclaim, not even bothering to look for him.

"Nah, I was here before you."

That's when I look at Jace, sitting down on a branch in front of me.

"What..." I murmur, my face reddening.

"Rest of the day, eh?"

"But how did you do that? I'm so much lighter and smaller than you!"

"Here, I'll show you."

Then, he stands up, and brace himself to... Fall down? Suddenly, he's down on the ground.

"What happened?" I ask, frowning.

Then, before I can say anything else, he's beside me.

"How did you do that?" I ask, mesmerized.

"It's one of my abilities. Here," he hands me my sketchpad.

Oh, I left it on the ground, I guess.

"Thank you," I say, retrieving it.

"Draw something," he says.

"You don't get to tell me what to do."

"Yes, I do. Remember our deal?"

Ah... So I sit down on a branch, open my sketchpad, and start drawing him.

"What are you going to draw?" He asks, leaning into look at it, but I push him away.

"I'll show you when I finish."

I draw his golden hair just the way it looks, though it's kinda hard. And his face that reminds me of Jonathan's, but slightly different in a weird way. To make him confused, I pretend to concentrate on other things to.

"You're killing me here," he whines, but I don't give him the satisfaction.

"Just a little more, and I'm done."

I almost laugh at his curious face as I finish up. I put the pencil away and show him the drawing.

"What do you think?" I ask.

"Wow... It's me, isn't it?"

I nod proudly.

"It's really good..."

Then, shaking his head, he gives me the sketchpad back.

"We should go down now."

"Oh, okay," I say, a little disappointed.

Just before I can drop the sketchpad on the ground, a familiar voice interrupts.

"Clary? What are you doing with... Him?"

I look at Jonathan, and I can see hurt in his eyes. Why? Did someone whip him again?

"I was just drawing him. Do you want to see?"

He clenches his teeth and picks up the sketchpad from the ground. But he doesn't open it to look at it. He only motions at me to climb down.

"Alright. Come on, Jace. I'm hungry."

"Hey, you can climb onto my back, and I'll jump down."

I think about it for a moment.

"Fine. But it better be fun."

So I climb onto his back, clinging onto him tightly. I look down me, and begin to suddenly doubt him.

"Are you sure you can do this?" I ask.

But Jonathan interrupts before he can answer.

"Clary, what are you doing?"

"Jace can fly!" I tell him.

"I can't fly..." Jace says.

"Well, it's close enough. But don't you dare drop me."

"Clary, no. Stop being foolish and climb down," Jonathan says.

"It's okay, I can handle this," Jace says.

"Yes, he can. I saw him doing it!" I say.

Then, before Jonathan can say a word, Jace jumps with a whoosh. I let out a small shriek involuntarily, but find myself placed nicely on the ground.

"Wow! Let's do it again!" I exclaim, giggling.

"No, you're not going to," says Jonathan, pulling me down from Jace and onto his shoulder.

I yelp, clinging onto Jonathan this time.

"But, Jon-"

"Nope. We're going home now."

"I can walk, you know."

But he doesn't put me down, and starts walking with Jace following us.

 **Okay, so that was the first chapter! Yay...? Tell me what you thought, and I hope you enjoyed. :)**


	2. a Little Fiancé

**a Little Fiancé**

Jace and I've grown closer a lot in a few past months, and he's awesome. He's so sweet and funny.

"Jace, pass me the lemonade?" I ask, leaning back.

"Sure," he hands me the drink.

I soothe my scorching throat with it loudly, gaining Daddy's attention.

"Angel, that's not ladylike."

"Sorry, Daddy," I murmur.

"Now, are you having fun?"

"Yup."

We're at this amazing beach, and the best part is, we're the only one here! Jace is sitting right beside me, and Daddy behind me. Jonathan is in the water, and I'm soon about to join him.

"Clary!" He yells, waving at me.

I smile at him, then turn to Daddy.

"Can I join him?"

"Of course, you can. Have fun, Angel."

So I run to my brother, tackling him down.

"Ouch! Clary..." He whines, raising his head to be able to breathe.

Laughing, I splash water at him, and he starts doing the same. The salty sea water burns my throat and nose, but I don't mind for now. He tries to raise me up by grabbing my waist, which he kinda struggles with.

"Jon," I say. "Why isn't Jace playing with us?"

"Because, Clary, Jace isn't really a part of our family."

"I thought he was adopted. He's our brother, isn't he?"

"Not technically... We need to keep our bloodline pure."

Squinting my eyes, I try to figure out what he means. Eh, but who cares.

"Jon, if you get married, then they're a part of your family now too, right?"

"Now you're getting it," he smirks.

"Then I'm gonna marry Jace! So he can be a part of our family too!"

Suddenly, Jon's expression changes.

"Clary, you can't marry him."

"Why not?"

"Because. He's not good. And he's also a Herondale."

"A Herondale?"

"That's his real family. He's nothing to us, Clary. He's just a stranger with different blood."

"Actually, Jon, no one can share same blood. It's whether in you, or me."

He looks at me, a little exasperated. If I were to be honest, I'm a little hurt. He was always so patient with me. But maybe I'm just imagining things.

"Okay, enough of this, Clary. Let's have fun now."

"One more question."

"Fine, one last question. What is it?"

"Jace isn't bad."

"That's not a question."

"I know. I just wanted to tell you that. Jace is sweet, funny, cool, awesome-"

"He's just manipulating you. You need to be careful. He's still a Herondale. By the way, you're just falling for his looks. You just like him because he had golden hair."

* * *

"Jace, can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Will you marry me?"

He cocks his head to the side, thinking.

"Alright."

I squeal in joy, hugging him. He hugs me back, smiling.

"Now what changes?" He asks.

"Um... A wedding!"

"And how are we supposed to do that?"

"First, we need to exchange rings.," I tell him, rolling my eyes. "Hold on."

I take my necklace off and pull out my Morgenstern ring. Staring at my now bare necklace for a moment, I decide to give it to him too with the ring. He rolls the ring between his fingers, studying them. Then, he connects it with the necklace again, and puts it around his neck.

"But I don't have anything to give you," he says.

"Don't worry about that," I sigh. "But we can't have wedding, though, just yet. Our wedding needs to be perfect. Promise to give me a ring someday?"

"I promise," he says solemnly.

"Then, we can get married for real!"

"Does this mean I have a fiancée?"

"A fian- what?"

"Never mind that," he rolls his eyes. "Are we supposed to tell our parent?"

"I don't think we should. Jon said I shouldn't marry you."

"But you asked me anyways."

"Daddy said there shouldn't me any restrictions in love. He said if you love someone, that's that, and there's nothing more. And I happen to think he's right."

"I don't get it."

"Maybe that's because you're too young," I sigh.

"Clary."

"Yes?"

"You're younger than me."

"Only by a few months!"

"Alright, alright."

"Oh! I almost forgot something," I say. "We need to kiss each other."

"What?"

"We're supposed to kiss in a wedding."

"But we're not getting married yet, remember?"

"We can get half married. Come on, kiss me."

"Ew. That's disgusting."

"I know it is, Jace. But don't you wanna marry me?"

"I do..."

"Then kiss me."

So he does. Just a little peck on my lips.

 **Clary: ten**

 **Jonathan: twelve**

"One, two, three."

I look around me for somewhere to hide.

"Four, five, six."

Sighing, I decide to follow Jace. I run deeper into the woods, catching up with Jace.

"Clary!" He says in a hushed whisper. "Go away! He's going to find us both!"

"But I have nowhere to hide!"

"I. Don't. Care! Go away!"

"But, Jace-"

"Oh my god. Do you want a punch in the face?"

"Jon is going to hear us! Be quiet!"

"I don't give a damn about this game! It's childish, and not fun at all."

But I love hide and seek!

"Well, Jon is playing it, and he's older than you."

"He's only playing because he doesn't want to look like an asshole in front of you, which he is!"

"Don't talk like that to Jon!"

"Don't talk like that to Jon," he imitates me. "Why do you care about him so much? He's a monster!"

"That's it!" I scream, leaping toward him.

I push him down to the ground, delivering constant blows to his face. He turns his head sideways, and fight back, grabbing my both wrists tightly.

"I'm gonna kill you!" I yell as he reverses our position. "Get off me!"

I stomach him with my knee, punching him on his mouth for one last time.

"Stop it, Clary," he says dangerously. "Or I don't know what to do with you."

I gasp, pinned on the ground beneath him.

"What's wrong with you?" I scream. "You've changed so much!"

"Well, too bad. I don't care! Now stop acting like a girl!"

"First of all, I am a girl. And don't be such a sexist! I hate you!"

I thrash beneath him, hitting him anywhere.

"Are you seriously doing this just because I wouldn't let you follow me?"

I inhale sharply, feeling tears gathering.

"Are you kidding? Tell me you are! Because if you haven't noticed how different you are, then you're just stupid. Where's the Jace who used to kiss me on my forehead? Who used to sing with me? Why are you doing this to me? Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me by shutting me out?"

"Shut up! I was young back then!"

"You're still young! You're not a prince or a knight! You're just an eleven years old boy!"

"I don't want to-"

Suddenly, he's yanked away from me, and I sit up abruptly to find Jonathan punching Jace. Jace fights him back, and soon it becomes bloody. And I just stand there, not knowing what to do. Fascinated by the way they fight. The way they look like they want to kill each other.

But it doesn't last for long; mom finds us.

"What are you doing?" She asks sternly.

I bite my lower lip, glaring at the ground.

"Jonathan. You know better than to hit your brother."

"He's not my brother," he hisses through his teeth.

"He is. And you better start treating him as one."

"But he punched me too! And he was trying to hurt Clary-"

"Jace, were you really?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was just mad and I was trying to scare her!"

"Well, I wasn't scared," I say, crossing my arms.

"That's not the point here," Mom says, sighing. "Come on, let's all go to home first."

"It's not my home," Jace says.

"Yes, it is," Mom says angrily. "Now come!"

So we all start walking, with Jonathan by my side and Jace in front of us. Jace is keep staring at the ground, looking ashamed, but still mad. Is this what they call walk of shame?

"Jon?" I whisper, walking closer to him. "What's wrong with Jace?"

"Well, to me, it seems like he's hitting puberty."

"Puberty? But even you haven't-"

"That's because he's different. He's not good as us."

We walk for a moment in silence.

"Jon?"

"Yes, Clary?"

"I won't hit puberty, ever."

Laughing, he pulls me closer to him.

"I'm serious!" I yell, but wrap my arms around him anyways. "But Jace isn't bad," I add as an afterthought.

I even got engaged to him!

"Clary, let's not go on about this again. I just... Want you to stay away from him."

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"Because."

I'm pretty sure he'll be mad if I tell him that we're engaged. I mean, he still hasn't given me the ring, but I trust him. Someday, he'll give me a big, shiny diamond ring.

 **So that was the second chapter! Thank you for reading!**


	3. Burn

**Burn**

 **Clary: thirteen.**

 **Jonathan: fifteen.**

"One, two, three."

Then, I blow the candles as hard as I can. Jonathan smiles from beside me, and I lean against his shoulder.

"Aren't you gonna cut the cake?" He asks.

"Maybe later. When Jace comes back."

It's just us in the house, with Jace out with his friends, and Mom and Dad at some kind of a meeting, and they'll be back late. Mom didn't want to go, but she did anyways. I have to say, I'm a little upset that they are going to miss me turning thirteen, but... Eh.

Jonathan hates Jace. I don't know why, he just does. And it feels like Jace is... I don't know, I'm not sure yet, so I won't really think about it.

"So what do you wanna do until then?"

"Can we watch a movie?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Alright, how about you get changed first?"

Nodding, I go to my bedroom to get my pajamas. I quickly get changed-

"Fuck!"

I freeze as I hear Jonathan swearing from downstairs. What happened to him? Calm down, he probably just dropped something or...

"Jon! Are you alright?" I ask, running downstairs.

I literally go mad when I hear him moaning. No, calm down, Clary.

"Jon?" I ask, my voice shaking.

I find him lying on the floor, clutching at his chest.

"Jon, what's wrong?" I kneel down beside him, putting his head onto my lap.

"I don't know," he hisses. "Something's wrong..."

"Oh my god, I'm gonna call Mom. Tell me what hurts."

"I don't know. I can't tell," he gasps, clenching his hand around mine. "Don't leave me!"

"I'm just gonna get my phone," I say, standing up.

I dial Mom's number, but it says it's turned off.

"Fuck," I mutter, trying to call Jace.

I punch the numbers with shaky fingers. With Jonathan's moaning in the background not helping at all, I finally manage to hit the call button and wait for Jace to pick up... Which he doesn't.

"I'm gonna call the ambulance."

"No, stop."

"But-"

"I think I know what's wrong with me."

I turn my head to look at his pained expression.

"Then tell me!" I say,

"I can't... Please, Clary," he begs. "I'll be fine soon, okay?"

"What if something goes wrong?"

"I know what's happening. Nothing bad will happen."

"Please, Jon... Tell me."

"I'll be fine."

I stabilize by shaking hands and look into Jonathan's obsidian eyes. Why does he always say that? It's so... Frustrating. I trust him, but sometimes, it feels like he still just sees me as a little, innocent girl.

"Does it still hurt?" I ask, inhaling sharply.

"Just a little," he does seem a little better. "Now, come on. It's your birthday. Stop worrying, and let's just watch the movie."

"Are you sure?"

"I can already feel myself getting better."

During the movie, Jonathan did seem to get better. I look at his now sleeping face, wondering what was bothering him. The door opens with a creak, and I sit up and get off the sofa. And I walk to the door and... Find Jace. With a girl. Kissing.

Surprised, I let out a small squeak, feeling face turning hot. Jace and the girl turns to me.

"Sorry," I manage to say. "Um..."

"Kaelie, you should go now," Jace says to the girl.

She nods, but I can see disappointment in her eyes. As she gets out of the house, Jace shrugs his jacket off and walk into the living room.

"What's with your brother?" He asks, grabbing the TV remote.

"I wanted to know that too, except you didn't answer my phone," I cross my arms.

"I was busy."

"I can tell."

"Look, my life doesn't evolve around yours, okay?"

I stare at him with wide eyes.

"I didn't say that. I just thought maybe you can at least think about me on my birthday!"

"Your birthday?" He asks, squinting.

I swallow the aching sensation in the back of the throat, not daring to let a single teardrop fall.

"My birthday. You know, your sister's thirteenth birthday. And there's something wrong with Jon, and you just go off not even answering the phone-"

"Look, I'm sorry," he sighs, putting the remote controller down and walking toward me.

I remember my first birthday we celebrated together. He did so much for me, and he was always there. So what changed?

"Right, you're sorry. Great, now I feel so much better."

"Clary-"

"Do you even think of me as your sister?" I interrupt. "Actually, don't answer that. Just figure out what goddamn thing is bothering Jon."

"Alright, alright," he says, sweeping his hair back. "Tell me what happened."

"He... I don't know, he was hurting, and that's all I really know."

"Did he say something?"

"He said he knows what's happening, and that everything is okay-"

"Then why the hell are you worried about him?"

"Because, when Dad whipped him, he said the same thing, and you know so damn well that he never admits it when something's wrong!"

"Shh, you'll wake him up."

"So you're worried he'll wake up?"

"Can we talk about this later?"

Sighing, I walk past him to Jonathan. Why wouldn't he tell me anything?

* * *

I wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty. I'm passing my parent's bedroom when I hear them.

"It was going to happen anyways, Jocelyn. Clary slowed it down, but-"

"No, it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't planned until you, you bastard..."

Mom breaks into sobs, and I can't help but to stop walking.

"Don't... Don't cry, you'll wake Clary up."

"That's what you're all about, isn't it? Clary this, Clary that. You don't love your children. You just use them!"

"I do love them. And you. I love every one of you-"

"You don't use people you love."

"I'm not using them, I'm just taking the benefits!"

"You sick bastard, I should've done something before this. I should have-"

"But you're still here, and you're still not doing anything. There's nothing wrong about this, Jocelyn. You're in the same boat, just as me, and the rest of the family. Come on, why are you so upset?"

"Because you keep lying! To me, to yourself, and to our children!"

Mom continues to cry, and Dad comforts her. Why are they fighting? Is it because of Jonathan? But he told me he's okay... Not that I really believe him.

Suddenly, someone puts a hand on my shoulder, scaring me half to death. Turning around, I face Jace, who's hair is a bit messed up. He is messed up.

He motions for me to go back to my room. I bite my lower lip, thinking. Right now, I just really want to punch him in the face, and watch his pretty little face bleed. But instead, I just give him the finger and walk downstairs to the kitchen.

* * *

"Clary?"

My bedroom door opens, striking the darkness with a streak of light. It's Jace.

"What do you want?" I ask, covering my eyes.

"I just... I don't know, can I talk to you? I want to apologize for... You know."

"No, you cannot. Go back to your room and do whatever you do when you're alone. I don't know, text that Kaelie bitch," I start blabbering nonsense in half frustration and half tiredness.

"I really am sorry."

"Whatever," I bury my face into my pillow, sleep consuming me.

"Clary, are you asleep?"

"Go away."

"Forgive me?"

"Go."

"Clary-"

"Go."

* * *

"Morning," Dad says as I slouch against the kitchen counter with a smile, texting Simon.

"Hmm?" I take my eyes off the screen.

"I said good morning. You look tired."

"I really can't think of why. Oh you know, my brother was rolling on the floor and moaning just a few hours ago, and dammit, I was just gonna get a nice, long sleep."

"Angel-"

"I know, that wasn't very ladylike."

"I just wanted to tell you that what happened to your brother shouldn't have to concern you."

"Yeah, totally. You know what they say, sixty percent of your body water, seven percent of your body blood."

He sighs, sweeping his hair backwards. He does that often, I've watched him doing it ever since I was just a baby.

"I love you," I blurt out.

He raises his eyebrows, looking at me.

"I meant that for Simon," I say, blushing. "Gotta go, where's Mom?"

"Your Mom... Went for a walk."

I manage to tilt the corner of my lips up a little.

"Well, Dad. I can assure you that walk would be a long one. But seriously, I need to get to school."

"No breakfast?"

"Not hungry, really. Bye."

I'm the only one who goes to a mundane school. Jonathan and Jace don't. Dad didn't want me to quote, 'spend my time in that worthless piece of garbage where we learn shits' but Mom was totally into sending me to one. I actually do like school, though. What should I say... I feel different there. Not exactly myself, but who cares? It's not always the best to stay true to yourself if you're evil. Not that I'm evil. I'm just saying.

I catch up with Simon in the hallway, my geeky friend. Again with him, Dad hates him. But Mom loves him. The optimistic part of me says 'oh, such a diverse family! I love it!' But who am I kidding... There's no optimistic part of me.

"Simon," I acknowledge. "How's Rachel? Is she getting better?"

"Yup. Your chicken soup seemed to help."

"Great," I nudge him with my elbow, snickering. "Violet looks extra cute today. Is today going to be that day?"

"Clary," he sighs. "She likes Tate. You know it, I know it, the whole school knows it, even the principle-"

"Hush, don't jinx it."

"But seriously, what does she see in him? I'm just really curious. Genuinely."

"Well, let me see. His hot, hot, hot, and oh, did I mention hot?"

"He's a total sociopath! I mean, he looks like someone who will set his mom's boyfriend on fire!"

"Okay, now enough of jealousy, did you do-"

"No, I will not let you copy any of my homework."

I give him the lost puppy look.

"Fine," he sighs, slumping his arm on my shoulder.

"You're the best."

* * *

"What the fuck, you ass!" It's Jonathan, isn't it?

I run down the staircase, looking for him and, presumably Jace. They're in the training room, both sweaty and panting. I'm guessing they were training. And... Well, they're at each other, punching and kicking.

"Jon? What's wrong?" I ask, pulling them apart.

"That asshole is what's wrong. We shouldn't have let him into this family in the first place."

"Don't talk to him like that," I roll my eyes. "Come here, you need to calm down," I say as I approach Jonathan carefully, who's anger is radiating off his eyes.

"No, but just let me-"

"Jon, stop. Calm down."

I look at Jace, who's all tensed up. What were they fighting-again-about? Then, Jonathan collapses against me, knocking me onto the ground.

"Jon?" I try to push him off me nervously. "Are you alright?" I kneel down, and pull his head onto my lap.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm fine."

"Well, great. Because the last thing I want right now is another drama of you guys cooing at each other," Jace interrupts, crossing his arms and slouching against the wall.

"Will you stop?" I yell, exasperated.

"Stop what?" It's so annoying, you know. His expression that barely changes.

"Just, ugh!"

I start ignoring Jace and concentrate on Jonathan.

"Jon? Are you hurting again?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Stop lying to me!"

"Clary," he exhales breathily. "Can you please go to your room?"

"What?" I ask, dumbfounded.

"I want you to leave me alone for now."

"Aww, Jonny boy. Too scared to tell your little sister, huh? That she'll be just like your mommy?" Jace snorts. "What an angst... I applaud, Jon. I applaud."

I look up at him, frowning. His eyes hold amusement and fascination.

"Jon? What is Jace talking about?"

"Nothing," he hisses. "He's just trying to mess with your head."

"Of course, I'm always the one who's trying to mess with her head," Jace pulls himself off the wall and walks backward out of the training room. "I should make this into a movie someday."

"Jon-"

"Clary. Leave. Now," he says sternly, clenching and unclenching his hands. "Or I really don't know what to do."

 **I know, I didn't want to do this either... :( but the story needs to go in, so... Jon is now going to go through a... _Change._ Anyway, thanks for reading and everything! And I really appreciate all the good things you say! :)**


	4. Between the Gap

**Between the Gap**

The door opens, and I'm guessing it's Jonathan. He walks in, closes the door, and comes to my bed. I sit up in the dark, squinting my eyes.

"Jon?"

He climbs onto my bed, lying down and burying his face in the pillow. Shaking. As always. I put my arms around him, kissing his cheek. The way I do every time. And then I'd whisper things and hold him.

"It's okay, I'm sorry," I whisper into his ear.

Without lifting his head, he just continues on shaking.

"Do you want me to take a look?" I ask, pulling away just a little.

He doesn't reply, but I go to turn on the light anyways.

"Here," I lift his shirt up a little, examining his back.

He never did tell me that Dad is the one whipping him. No one did. But when you touch the scars almost every night, when you watch the way the two act around, then you just know. You just learn.

"It's not that bad," I tell him. "You have a stele with you?" Dad never allowed me to have a stele, but sometimes, I use Jonathan's to heal him.

"No, can you just... Hold me?" He asks hoarsely, turning his body to face me.

"But-"

"I'll be fine. Please, Clary?"

"Alright," I whisper gently, turning the light back off and snuggling closer to him.

I feel his steady breathing against my forehead as I try to go back to sleep.

"Clary?"

"Yes?"

My breathing suddenly seems to be too loud as Jonathan stares at me in complete silent. And I just wait for him to say something to pass this awkward moment.

But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything. I wait for a minute, or maybe two. Then, faster than you can ever imagine, his lips are suddenly on mine. Moving. Kissing. I only blink, trying to unfreeze my brain. Finally, as a late instinct, I push him away.

"Jon," I say, dazed.

He grabs my shoulder, then shift our position so that he's on top of me, his weight pressing against me.

"Jon, get off me!" I whisper frantically. "What are you doing?"

Without answering, he kisses me on my lips once more, harder than the last time. My first kiss. My own brother. He forces my mouth to part, and try to get a reaction out of me. He succeeds. But not in the way he wants. I punch him hard, and he finally pulls away.

"What the fuck, Jon?" I say, trying to get him off me. "What's wrong with-"

"Why won't you kiss me back?" He asks quietly. "Kiss me. Please." He grabs hand and traces his jawline with it.

"You're my... You're my... Oh my god," I can't say what I meant to say. You're my brother! My blood.

"Remember when I told you... About keeping the bloodline pure?"

"No, I don't," I say sternly.

"You didn't know what I meant back then," he says, his breathing increasing. "But now I bet you do. Don't you, Clary?"

I wish this is just a random guy a met in a street, not my brother. I wish this is an asshole who's just trying to get into my pants.

"Jon, I think you were in too much pain, and your head got messed up."

Of course, of course! It's because of all that hurting thing... Whatever did cause him the pain. But what? Jonathan, still on top of me laughs dryly, sending shivers up along my spine.

"The pain..." He inhales sharply. "I feel it right now, and yeah, it's driving me crazy. But you see, you don't know as much as you think you do, Clary. It's really messed up, you know."

"I don't know what you are trying to tell me, but can we talk after you get off me?"

"I'm making you feel uncomfortable, aren't I? You're thinking I'm not like the brother you used to know..."

"Jon, please," I push his shoulder, but he doesn't budge.

"You know, Jace was right about one thing." He says, turning his face away.

"And what's that?"

He doesn't answer, making me anxious.

"You're not going to answer any of my questions," it's not really a question.

"When the time comes. I'm just not ready yet," he says quietly. "However, for now..."

I cringe away, afraid of my own brother for the first time. He remains silent, probably searching for an answer himself.

* * *

I wake up, blinking my eyes to adjust to the bright sunlight. Feeling a strand of hair tickling my neck, I turn to see Jonathan fallen asleep with his arm slung over my stomach. Thankfully, he didn't really do anything to me after our little talk. He just held me until I fell asleep.

Gently running my fingers through his hair, I wonder what got to him last night. Probably the pain. He did admit that it was driving him crazy. But still... There's this feeling deep inside me that's giving me bad vibes.

Someone knocks on the door, startling Jonathan awake.

"Come in," I say.

"Hey," Jace says, scratching the back of his neck. He seems a little surprised and curious about Jonathan being here. "Mom told you to stay in the house today. For the rest of the week, actually."

Jonathan tenses up beside me, but I don't bother to ask him why, since he probably won't tell me.

"What? Why?"

"Something about your... Actually, never mind. Just come downstairs for breakfast."

"I need to ask Mom why. Where is she?"

"She's out. With Father. They're-"

"At the meeting," I sigh, finishing his sentence. "What's for breakfast?"

"Mom made some pancakes."

* * *

I get dressed quickly and meet Jace at the kitchen.

"You're not still made at me, are you?" He asks, slouching against the wall.

Shrugging, I go sit on the table, playing with the fork.

"Clary, I know things aren't really making sense to you right now, but you have to believe me, everything will-"

"Oh my freaking god, Jace!" I say, frustrated. "Do I still look like an eight years old to you? I'm nearly fourteen now! Don't talk to me like that."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The room falls into silence instantly.

"Jace, look into my eyes and tell me what's wrong with Jon," I demand after a few seconds of silence.

He doesn't. Just like Jonathan.

"You're only older than me by a few months!"

"It's not just about the age, Clary."

Someone clears throat in the door way, and we both turn to face Jonathan. He walks toward us, and whisper something into Jace's ear. But he probably doesn't know that I caught a quick and hasty 'thank you'. Jace only crosses his arms.

As they both sit down to eat, no one speaks. Hell, I can't even look at Jonathan in the eye. I quickly stuff the pancake in my mouth, and stand up, not able to stand the silence anymore.

"I'm going to go text Simon to let him know I won't be at school for this week," I tell them, and go upstairs.

* * *

Frustrated, I get out of Mom and Dad's bedroom. Jonathan is in his room, so I can't search there, but Jace is training downstairs, and I know he knows something too. So I hurry to Jace's room.

As soon as I step into Jace's IKEAish room, sudden nostalgia washes over me. I used to hang around in his room so often, but now, he won't even let me come in. And don't you tell me he's introversive or something like that, because trust me, I know how he socializes with others. Especially girls.

Shaking my head, I open his drawer and look for anything that might be helpful. But nope. No diary, no notes, no nothing. I am checking under his bed when the door opens more widely, revealing Jace.

"Jesus!" I exclaim, standing up-and in the process hitting my head against the bed frame-quickly.

"What are you doing? In my room?"

I fumble with the hem of my shirt, searching for words.

"Just because I feel sorry for you, doesn't mean you can mess around in my room."

"I wasn't messing around. I was just..."

"Well, whatever you were doing, I don't care. Get out. Go to your loving brother so you can just film a sappy movie or something. Oh wait, maybe he's just too loving, isn't he?"

I tense up, confused by his last sentence.

"Aww, don't be like that. You're hurt, aren't you?"

"Shut up! Shut up! Are you being such an ass again just because I told you that I'm not a kid anymore?"

"Sweetie, not everything's about you, you know."

"I know," I say quietly. "Especially not to you."

* * *

 _Can't go to school for the rest of the week_...

Shortly after I press the send button, he texts me back.

 _Why not?_

 _I wish I knew._

 _Some things are just not explainable. There was a time when all of my ninja cards disappeared._

 _Simon._

 _Yes?_

 _It was Rachel. She stole them._

 _No way. I've been looking for them for weeks!_

 _I was going to go on with a sob story, but you just had to make me smile._

 _Well, that's what I do, isn't it?_

 _I love you._

 _Alright, now don't get too corny. I need to go to class now. Text you later?_

 _Okay. Bye._

Dad always tell me how a mundane friend can influence me badly. But I really don't care, you know. Simon makes me happy, and I know he'll always be there for me. But then again, that's what I once thought about Jace.

 **I know, Clace shippers. You're dying with waiting and stuff... But I just kinda need to stick with this thing called plot, you know. Anyways, thank you so much for reading and everything! Also, I enjoy reading your reviews. Hope you liked this chapter!**


	5. Riptide

**Riptide**

Mom's reluctant to let me go to school on Monday. Weird, considering she always gets happy when she sees me at school. She wants me to go. Usually. And I have this unfortunate feeling that this has something to do with my brother.

Suddenly, my breath is knocked out of me as Jace pins me down against the training mat.

"What did I tell you about daydreaming?" He scolds, getting off me.

"Sorry," I mumble, and stand up again.

"You wanna take a break or something?"

"Sure."

I drink water out of my bottle, draining it completely.

"You ready to go back to school tomorrow? I bet there'll be a lot for you to catch up to."

I shrug, shaking the bottle unconsciously.

"You're ignoring me. Giving me that silent treatment."

"Does it bother you?"

"Yes."

"Good." I check the clock. "I think I'm done for today. I'm a little tired."

As I'm leaving the room, Jace grabs my shoulder, turning me around. "You don't need to go to school," he says. "That stuff's for mundies. You don't belong there. Stay with us."

"Wherever Simon is, I do belong there, Jace."

"You're going to need to say goodbye to him too one day. You know you can't stay with him forever. You don't want to put him into danger, do you?"

"My friendship shouldn't concern you."

"It does-"

"Since when? Oh, right. Maybe you're just telling me to make fun of me. So you can go on and on about how dramatic my friendship is. What an awesome stepbrother I have."

He crosses his arms, rocking back and forth, waiting for me to continue.

"And if you'll excuse me, I have things to do unlike you."

I stomp out of the room, and I'm running through the hallway when I see Jonathan.

"You've been training," he states.

I nod slightly.

"With Jace?"

I nod again.

"I don't want you training with him."

"Why not?"

"Because. I just don't want you spending times with him."

"Jon. He's our brother."

"Not for real."

Biting my lip, I try to think of what to say.

"Clary," he says, grabbing my waist. "I... Really want you to..." Then, he slowly backs me up against the wall.

Pinned to the waqll, I gasp as Jonathan stares down at me.

"Jon?" No, not this again. No...

He starts by kissing my collarbone, tracing it lightly.

"Please stop," I say, but my voice barely comes out.

I try to push him away, but he grabs my wrists and holds them tightly. His mouth moves upward to my lips, hard and unyielding, yet soft. Making me feel loved, and making me feel wanted, but not in the way I want. Not by my brother.

His fingers play with the hem of my shirt, slowly lifting it up.

"Jon," I say, squeezing my eyes tight. "Please don't, I'm only thirteen."

"Mm hm." He doesn't seem to have heard me,

"Jon, I'm gonna scream for Jace." He seems to tense up at this, and he pulls away a little.

"You wouldn't."

"I will. Let me go. Now."

His eyes fill with hurt, but I don't care for now. I just want to go to my room, lock the door, and be alone by myself.

"Alright," he says hoarsely, stepping backwards. "I get it."

He then, sweeps his hair backward-just like Dad-then walks away from me.

* * *

I'm passing Jonathan's room when I hear a crash. Freezing, I stop walking instantly.

"Please. You can't tell Clary, please don't tell her-"

The rest of his sentence is cut off by a painful, yet muffled scream. His own.

"You know hat nothing will change even if I do. She never really loved you. You're a monster. Don't confuse her kindness and sympathy with love." Is he talking about me? Because I do. I do love him.

"You lie!" Jonathan says violently, yet quietly. "She told me... She told me that-"

"She probably told you that because she was scared. After all, who would love a brother who wants to sleep with hem? You're a monster, and only that. Nothing more. And Clary will turn her back on you someday."

"Just like Jocelyn did to you."

I hear another whoosh of the whip again, and this time, I do what I shouldn't. I open the door,

"Clary," Dad acknowledged me bitterly.

"Dad."

"How much did you hear?" Jonathan asks anxiously.

"What, Jon? What is the goddamn thing that you don't want me to know?"

"Angel-" Dad interrupts, but I cut him off.

"I don't give a damn about swearing not being ladylike. Just answer me!"

"There's nothing that I'm hiding," Jonathan says, exhaling loudly.

"Oh, sure. Dad. Tell me."

"No!"

"See? Why are you so desperate to keep him quiet?"

"Father, can you leave?" Jonathan asks.

He does.

"Now tell me, will you?"

Jon picks up his shirt off the floor, putting it on.

"Why don't we talk about you first? You're into him, aren't you?" He accuses me angrily.

"Who the fuck are you talking about?"

"Oh, I bet you know who so damn well. I see how you look at him, and I know what it means."

"I have no idea," I say, crossing my arms.

"The Herondale."

"Jace? Are you insane? He's my brother!"

"You mean you don't feel attracted to him at all? You don't wonder for one moment, what it would be like to introduce him as your boyfriend instead of your brother? Because what I do when I'm wi you, that's how I feel. And everytime you say Jace's name, you'd never know how much it really hurts."

"Jon... What's wrong with you?" I whisper, half confused and half scared.

"I know... I'm messed up, aren't I?" He laughs dryly. "But don't you get it, Clary? How can you be so clueless?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm a monster, Clary," he whispers in my ear, grabbing my shoulder tightly.

"No!" I yell, pushing him away abruptly. "Don't let Dad get to you, Jon."

"Clary, Clary, Clary... You're getting it all wrong. Your blood, runs in my veins. But not only that. Another kind that fights the Morgenstern blood. Lilith's."

"Dad... Had an affair! Is that what this is all about?"

"No, no, no... It's not like that."

A moment of silence passes between us.

"Aren't you going to tell me, then?" I ask.

"Goddammit, I can't!" He exclaims, dropping on the floor. "I'm sorry, Clary. I'm so sorry..." He keeps repeating that over and over as I slowly get onto my knees.

"It's okay. I love you. I really do."

I hold him as he makes painful noises, but in my head, it's full of the images of him kissing me, touching me. What can I say, as much as I try to ignore the thoughts, the more painful they get.

* * *

I settle down with one of Dad's books on the bed, going straight to the last page where a bunch of words are listed alphabetically. Lilith. There. Page 441. I flip the pages fast, eager to find out about Jonathan's secret. Lilith.

.

.

.

Screaming, I drop the book as if it burned my hands. I stare at the wall in horror as my brain slowly processes what I just read. No, no, no, this can't be true. Jonathan... He's good. I swear it.

"Clary? Are you okay?" Jace runs in, probably who heard my scream.

I don't answer. Can't. He looks at the book on the floor, and back at me.

"Did you...?"

I break into a sob, the overwhelming confusion and denial washing over me. Why him? Why my Jon? Why anyone? Why?

Jace walks over to me, pulling me into his embrace. "I'm sorry," he keeps on saying. "I'm sorry." I wish people would stop saying that. You say it when you can't do anything about it. And I hate it.

I cling onto Jace, as he is the only one I can reach out for help for now. But I do know. That he's a dangerous branch to reach out for. Because one moment he seems strong and inviting, yet before you know what's happening, he's broken. That's one of his ability, yet a flaw.

 **I know, a little shorter than usual. But still, hope you enjoyed. Now the story will finally begin! For real... Yay... In the next chapter Clary will be sixteen years old-finally. As the writer, this all kinda feels like a massively long prologue. Anyways, thank you for reading and everything!**


	6. Cold and Bitter

**Cold and Bitter**

"One, two, three-" I hold my breath waiting for the alarm clock to ring. It does abruptly. "Happy sixteenth birthday, Clary," I whisper to myself, and lie back down, going back to sleep.

* * *

"So what are you planning to do today, Clary?" Mom asks, tossing me a bagel.

"Stuffs. I think I'm going out."

"With Jace," she says sternly.

"He probably doesn't want to. Maybe Simon? Or Jon?"

"Clary, you're going with Jace."

"But Mom-"

"No buts."

"This is so unfair! And why not Jon?"

"Because. He's busy today."

"No he's not. Stop lying, Mom. I know it's because of him being dangerous with that demon blood and such-"

"Clary!" She scolds, glaring at me.

"What? I'm just stating the truth. If it is truth. Sometimes, it just feels like half the thing you say are all bullshit. I mean, how do you 'accidentally' get demon blood in your son?"

"Enough. You're going with Jace, end of discussion."

"He doesn't even like me!"

"Yes, he does. Come on, Clary."

"And what about Simon? I go to school with him everyday."

"That's different."

"I don't see how."

"I'll see you tonight."

"I'm not coming back home tonight."

"Yes, you are. Tonight. Now, no more delays. I'm going to be late, and you know how much your father hates to be late to the meeting."

Jonathan comes down to the kitchen just as Mom leaves.

"Good morning," I say, pushing the chair beside me a little with my foot so he can sit down.

"Happy birthday. We should go out tonight."

"We can't."

"Why not?"

I shrug, nervous that he might be mad.

"It's Mom, isn't it?"

I nod slightly, focusing on my bagel.

"I bet she told you to go with Jace."

I nod again.

"Are you ever going to speak?"

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little disappointed?"

"We can still go together, you know. We don't have to tell Mom."

The thing is, as much as I want to go with Jonathan, I'm scared too. Don't get me wrong, I do love him. But he's changed, and I need to admit that. He scares me sometimes.

"I don't know. I really don't want her disappointed."

"We'll be careful."

"We probably shouldn't, Jon."

"But don't you want to go with me instead of Jace?"

"I do, Jon, I do. But don't make me choose between you and Mom."

He leans back against his chair, his eyes fixed on me. I fumble with the hem of my shirt, not knowing what to do, and feeling very uncomfortable.

... And God bless Jace, because he walks in that exact moment.

"Morning. Happy birthday."

"Thanks. You gotta be free today."

"I am, why?"

"Mom."

He gives me that 'oh' look. "Where are we going?"

"I've been thinking about... Pandemonium."

"No, you're not," Jonathan interrupts. "You're not going there with him," he points at Jace.

"And why not, dear brother? Wouldn't you want to go there with Clary?" Jace says tauntingly.

"Don't call me brother. You don't deserve to be a Morgenstern."

"Of course not. Wait a minute, you're not actually jealous, are you?"

"Stop it, Jace," I snap at him. "It's not funny."

"But I wasn't trying to be funny. It's just the situation, you know. You," he gestures at Jonathan. "Just makes it so freaking hilarious."

"You are so dead-"

"Will you guys just stop? This is so pathetic and immature. And can you stop being such an ass for a minute?" I glare at Jace. "Just because you hate us doesn't mean you have to insult us every time we say something."

Jace doesn't look affected by me at all-as usual. "Cute," he says, examining his fingernails. "You done?"

Clenching and unclenching my fists, I urge myself to ignore him. So instead, I finish my bagel in silence.

* * *

"Are we there yet?"

"Oh my god, Jace! I said no thirty seconds ago!"

"Well, sorry. Didn't know you were counting."

"We're almost there."

When we get there, the line goes on like, forever. But you see, a long line isn't a problem when I'm with Jace. The bouncer lets us in, and I swallow back a smile at all the girls squealing behind us, and the guys complaining.

"One good thing about bringing you, I guess," I snicker.

"Only one?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Don't be so greedy."

"You want something to drink?"

"Sure."

When we get intoxicated a little, we begin to dance.

"Come on," Jace says, pulling me toward him.

When he puts his hands on my waist, I forget about Jonathan. Lost in the taste of the alcohol on my tongue, lost in the loud beat of the music that goes on forever. I hook my arms around his neck, my heartbeat suddenly increasing in its pace.

I know he always looked good, but somehow, under the dim, flashing light and possibly the control of the alcohol, he looks better than usual. I pull him toward me even closer unconsciously, and his hands slide down to my hips.

"We're drunk," Jace suddenly states.

"Maybe a little."

"Normal guys don't let their underage sister drink."

"Well, you're not much older than me either, and we're not exactly a normal sibling."

Fuck my mouth, what did I just say?

Jace makes a soft humming sound, the corner of his mouth tilting up. My cheeks growing hot, I turn my face sideways... When I see a boy with electric blue hair. But not exactly. A demon.

"Jace?" I say quietly.

"Hm?"

"A demon to your left." He tenses up immediately. "Striking blue hair."

"Ah, we weren't looking for trouble tonight. It's your birthday," he brushes his thumb across my cheek.

"I know, too bad. I do have a seraph blade right now with me."

"I'll take care of it. You stay here."

"But-"

"Knew it. Why do I even bother? Get your blade, we'll finish it up in a second."

Smirking, I follow the demon through the crowd with Jace. It's approaching to a girl, who's very hot but doesn't have a great sense in fashion. I mean, she's wearing a long, white dress that covers everything and looks very weird.

"We need to warn her-"

"Not just yet. Mundanes can see us," Jace interrupts me, studying the interaction between the demon and the girl. "I think they're heading to the storage room."

"Well, that just made everything easy for us."

We follow the two into the room swiftly, taking our weapons out, ready to attack. But just then, the girl spins around with a whip in her hand, slashing the demon into half. I gasp in surprise loudly, making the girl turn around to face me.

"The fuck-" I'm interrupted by a swooshing sound, and the next thing I know is the pain shooting up from my right arm. I realize that my shirt is pinned to the wall by an arrow that's sticking right next to my arm.

"We weren't exactly expecting other Shadowhunters here," Jace says, absolutely unaffected.

I turn my head carefully to look at my attacker. He has black hair, and another arrow is aimed at me. Sighing, I face the wall again, my front completely pressed against the wall.

"I haven't seen either of you around here," he says. "Who are you?"

I'm yanking my arm closer to me, making a ripping sound of the clothing when the boy speaks again. "Stop that. Stay like that and answer me."

"I thought we weren't supposed to hurt any of our kinds," Jace says, motioning at me.

I look at my arm, spotting the blood stains. It glazed my skin a little.

"We mean no harm at all," I speak finally, wanting to be off the wall. "We were just trying to save her," I say, jerking my head at the girl.

"Like I need anyone to save me," she scoffs.

"Whatever. Can I unpin myself now?" I ask.

"Not just yet. Who are you? I thought we knew every Shadowhunters around here."

"I'm Jace Morgenstern, She's Clary, my sister."

"A Morgenstern, you say?" The boy asks.

"I know, not the best name, if you ask me," Jace says, slouching against the wall right beside me.

"You're children of Valentine, aren't you? The bastard who runs that stupid little group," the girl says, glaring at us.

"You know our father," says Jace.

"Of course, we do. We're not stupid. And we know what he does."

I frown to myself. What is she talking about? Is he a drug dealer or something? "Can you please put your bow down first? I feel very uncomfortable with an arrow aimed at me."

The boy slowly lowers the weapon, and I yank my arm off the wall. Goddamn, it was my favorite shirt, and it's ruined now.

Jace gives me the 'you okay?' look, and I nod.

"Stupid Circle people," the girl mutters. "They think they're so mighty and noble."

"Okay, we seriously have no idea what you're talking about," I say, crossing my arms.

"Oh, so your daddy never told you guys, did they?"

"Enough, Izzy. We don't need to waste more time with these idiots. Come on, let's get going," the boy says.

"Just a minute. You don't look too bad," the girl-Izzy-says, addressing to Jace. "You should call me sometimes. I'm Isabelle Lightwood."

Jace smirks as she hands him her number. I roll my eyes, biting my lip. Not that I'm jealous. Of course I'm not jealous, he's my freaking brother! Why would I be jealous? I am so not. Not jealous at all. It's so obvious.

* * *

"We're home," I say, walking into the living room.

"Hey," Jonathan greets me, smiling warmly.

"Where's Mom and Dad?"

"They should be back soon."

Jace goes to his room, and I stay behind to pour myself some orange juice.

"I missed you," Jonathan says, walking up behind me and wrapping his arms around me. Feeling his warm breath against the back of my neck, I immediately tense up under his touch.

"I was only gone for a few hours."

"Still, though. Did you have fun?"

"Yes," I decide not to mention about the other two Shadowhunters.

"You're hurt," he says, running his fingers over my arm just below the cut.

"Just a little."

"I knew I can protect you better than Jace."

"I don't need any protection by anyone."

He spins me around by my shoulder, making me face him. He leans into me slowly, but I put both my hands on his chest, turning my head sideways.

"Jon, please don't. I'm tired."

"You're always tired."

He kisses me on my lips, grabbing my hands and putting them behind his neck.

"Stop it," I manage to say between the kisses.

"Clary, I-"

Then, we hear the front door opening and our parents coming in. He lets me go then, his eyes never breaking the contact with mine. And I just drink my orange juice.

 **I know, I know, I'm a little late than usual. But something came into my life without even knocking-I know, how rude-and what should I say, I barely have time to write now. So I probably won't be able to update as often as before, but I promise not to abandon this story. Seriously. You can count on that. Anyways, thank you so much for reading, and reviewing and everything. I love reading your reviews. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	7. Shield

**Shield**

As I walk into the living room, I spot Jace on the sofa, watching TV. But it doesn't really seem like he's actually watching. His face looks blank. Pale. And distant.

"Jace, what are you watching?"

"Hm?" He asks, looking up at me.

"Do you know what you're watching?" He looks at the screen. "It's SpongeBob. Do you happen to enjoy watching a little yellow sponge that wears a suit?"

Shaking his head, he turns the TV off.

"Is something wrong?"

"No! Why would you think that?"

"Well... You seem pretty out of it, and your strong denial..."

"Just leave me alone," he stands up, heading to his room.

"Is it a heartbreak?" I follow him.

"Let it go, Clary."

He walks faster and faster until he reaches his room. He tries to shut the door, but I stop it with my foot, following him in.

"Get. Out. What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm trying to help my brother out."

"Stop! Stop... Oh, dammit," he falls to the ground on his knees.

"Jace?" I ask, getting nervous a little. What if... He is going through what Jonathan has gone through? What if... He has 'the blood' in him too? What if... It's just a family thing, and I'll be like that too someday?

"I'm sorry, I swear it was a mistake," he says painfully.

I get down on my knees too, looking at him. "What mistake? I promise I won't be mad. You know you can tell me."

"I'm so sorry. And... Oh my god, I'm so dead."

"Jace," I say softly. Although I don't like seeing him hurt, it feels somehow good. Not exactly good... More like bittersweet. He doesn't have his guards up, and he doesn't seem to be shutting me out. Like even though he's telling me to go away, he's reaching out for me secretly. Different than usual. And I understand that he just wants help, but now, I can be needed. Like how I should've been to him from the start.

He grabs my hand tightly in a panicky way, brushing his thumb against mine. "I swear I didn't mean to. Believe me."

"I do, I do. You didn't do it on purpose, I get it."

He stares at me, looking so helpless.

"Are you going to tell me now?"

"I brought a girl to my room last night," he starts, inhaling sharply. I feel a hot emotion swelling in my heart, but it surely can't be jealousy. I mean, why would it be? He brings girls home all the time. "And I forgot, you know."

"Forgot what?"

"To hide them." I squint my eyes. Them? Them?! Is he talking about... Other girls? That he forgot to hide the girls he screwed just before he brought another one? Seriously, how fucked up is he?

"Clary, what are you thinking about?"

"When you say them..."

"The weapons and those kind of things, for Raziel's sake, Clary." Oh. Oh.

"Okay, so you're saying she saw the weapons in you room?"

"I knocked her out before she could scream properly, but she did see them."

"Was she a little tipsy?"

"No."

"You know, I thought you were going to say you impregnated a girl or something. I mean, why are you being so panicky about this?"

"Are you saying you wouldn't be?"

"There must be some ways, Jace. We're Shadowhunters. Did she just go home after then?"

"Clary, no one will just walk home after they saw a bunch of murder weapons in a guy's room and being knocked out by him."

"Then where is she now?"

"In my room."

"Oh my god, Jace. You did not tie her up and duct tape her mouth."

"Is that what's bothering you right now?! Seriously? Father's going to kill me."

"Jace, you're just overreacting. Take me to her."

* * *

Jace takes out a slump, pale body out off his closet, and I almost scream. Her makeup is all messed up, and her hair tangled up. "Did you kill her?!"

"Of course I didn't. She just passed out."

"Look, we'll figure stuffs out, okay?"

"And how do we do that? We can't just go bam and create a rune that will erase that part of her memory. And even if we can, we can't do it. She's a mundane. We can't use any runes on her."

"Will you please shut up? I'm trying to think here."

"Oh god, oh god... Father's going to kill me."

"Well it's lucky you're not Jon," I say bitterly.

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Oh, you know so damn well it does."

"Clary. I do not want to fight over this right now."

"Well, you never-" Then, I freeze suddenly, seeing red in my peripheral vision. "Jace?" I ask carefully. "Do you see that?" I turn my head sideways carefully and slowly.

I let out a small shriek as I look at Jonathan. And the girl. Dead now.

"Jon, what have you done?" I ask in horror.

"I took care of his mess," he points is bloody blade at Jace. He wears a smirk as if he's a hero from a movie who's just rescued a blonde from a collapsing building.

I turn my face away, not daring to look at the body.

"You killed her," Jace states the obvious. "You killed her!"

"Now, now, don't be that way. You guys kill demons all the time, don't you?"

"We protect humans," Jace stands up. "That's the reason we were born."

"It was for all of our sake, don't you get it, you idiot? Why don't you just go advertise about our kinds all over to the mundanes, then?"

"Clave is going to find out, Jon," I say. "It was not this bad when she wasn't dead, and now look! What are we going to do with the body?"

"We'll hide it. Why are you guys so freaking out?" He looks exasperated now. "If you didn't bring her in to screw her, this wouldn't have happened at all! It's your fault, and I helped you, then you just yell at me. So what the fuck should I do, huh?"

"Be quiet! If Dad knows, we're all dead," I hiss.

"Not we. Me. You know it, he knows it, we all know it," Jonathan says angrily. "Great, now. I took care of it, and I'm the one who's going to get punished."

"It's not just about Father," Jace interrupts. "We don't know what Clave will do."

"Just fuck the Clave. What do we do with Father?"

"Did your priorities get mixed up or can you just not think?" Jace starts yelling at Jonathan.

"Shut the fuck up! You know nothing."

"Guys, please be quiet," I finally say. "We'll bury the body or something, and then no one will find out."

"Alright. So we just drag a dead girl across the living room and outside and surely no one will notice," Jace says. "Great plan."

"Then why don't you come up with something? You're the one who started all this," I say, crossing my arms. "To be honest, I have absolutely nothing to do with this. You started this, and you," I point at Jonathan. "Killed her. And I'm just trying to help, but you guys just ignore it."

"Alright, alright. So help us out here."

"Take her to the basement. We'll tear up the floor a little and put the body in there."

* * *

Grunting, we stand up, staring at our work. Nothing exceptional about the floor is seen, so we're safe. At least for now.

"You sure this is going to work? You know that police will come here when they realize she's gone and that this was the last place she's been to," I say.

"I think we're safe for now, though," says Jace.

* * *

Jace and I are watching one of my favorite movies again on the sofa. But even though I love this movie, all I can see on the screen is the dead girl.

"What was her name?"

"Hailee, I think."

"He killed her."

"He did."

"Oh, crap. I keep seeing her."

"Me too."

Silence passes between us.

"Thank you," Jace suddenly says.

"For what?"

"Helping us, I guess."

"Well, you are my brother, so..."

The doorbell rings, so I stand up and walk to the front door.

"Who is it?" I ask.

"The Magnificent Sparkle," says a guy.

"Mom? There's a guy named Magnificent Sparkle at our door!"

Jace stands up and walks toward me.

"Oh, honey, that must be Magnus. Open the door for him, will you?" Mom yells.

"Wait, Jocelyn," I hear Dad speaking loudly, possibly surprised. "What did you say?" He runs down the stairs toward us. "Clary. Don't open the door!"

"Clary, open the door!" Mom yells at the same time, following Dad just a few steps behind. So I just stop moving, and I debate on who to listen to.

"Ah, fuck it," Jace interrupts. "I'll open the door." He actually does, revealing a guy with... Weird fashion sense. He's wearing a leopard print pants and a wool sweater. He walks in past us, straight to where Mom is.

"Jocelyn, nice to see you again," he says.

"Bane. I don't remember inviting you," Dad says coldly.

"I did," says Mom, somewhat... Proud? Or maybe relieved.

"Okay, am I the only one that doesn't know who this is?" I ask, slouching against the wall.

"Clary, this is Magnus Bane-" Mom says, but is soon interrupted by him.

"Aka Magnificent Sparkle, Raining Sparkle, Sparkle Party-"

"But you can just call him Magnus."

"And why is he here?" Jonathan walks down the stairs slowly.

"He'll be gone soon," Dad says sternly.

"No, he won't," Mom argues back. "He's my friend, so he has the right to stay."

"Of course I do," the man-Magnus-scoffs. "I'm the High Warlock of Brooklyn."

"And also a Downworlder," says Dad.

"Oh, don't be such a racist. After all, I can paralyze all of you guys right now with a snap of my finger. Hey, Jocelyn, did you paint my room with sparkles like I told you? I'm going to check that out now."

"And we," Dad says, putting his hand on Mom's shoulder. "Are going to have a little talk."

"Jace," says Mom, walking along with Dad. "You don't mind training with Clary, do you?"

* * *

"Concentrate, Clary," Jace says, frustrated.

"I'm trying my best," I mutter under my breath. "It's not really fair since you're bigger- Ow!" Before I can process what has happened, Jace has me pinned against the training mat, his breathing not as ragged as mine.

With his chest pressed against mine, and his warm breath tickling my cheek, it's much more difficult to breathe, but Jace doesn't seem affected by it at all. That our closeness isn't bothering him. Frustrated, I bite my lower lip hard, feeling blood pouring out. Wait, what? No, wait. Not like that. Not like that at all. I mean, he's my brother, and if anyone thinks I'd like my own brother, than that person's stupid.

The door suddenly opens, Magnus Bane standing behind it. "Well, this is a pretty scene. Two sweaty teenagers on the ground," he walks into the room while Jace stands up swiftly, looking uninterested as usual. "You know, I can smell hormones here. Nice, isn't it?"

"That's just disgusting," Jace states while I stand up too, feeling slightly awkward. "I'm going to go take a shower."

"You do that, pumpkin!"

"Don't call me that," Jace growls on his way out.

Magnus shrugs, walking closer to me.

"Don't worry," I tell him. "He's always like that."

"I knew a guy like that once. Let me see... I believe that was about a couple hundred years ago."

"How old are you?" I ask, squinting my eyes.

"Sixty three."

"But you just said... Actually, never mind. So you're... Mom's friend?"

"You can say that. I think she's the closest person I have to a friend. Well, except for Chairman, of course. My adorable son. Actually, you remind me of him. That lovely hair of yours..."

Hoping that his son doesn't look too bad, I nod. "Wait, what? I thought you said you were the High Warlock of Brooklyn."

"And your point is?"

"The son of yours?"

"Oh, let me show you," he takes out a picture from his back pocket, then shows it to me. He's very cute. Yes, very cute. He's a _cat_.

"Are you kidding me? I remind you of a feline?" I say, crossing my arms.

"Well, the similarity can't go unnoticed." His cat eyes twinkle brightly. "Look, that's beside the point. I have something for you."

Squinting my eyes, I lean back on my heels.

"Here," he hands me something... Smooth and cool. A stele.

"I... I don't really know. Dad-"

"Doesn't let you have it, I know. That's why I'm the one giving you this, not him. Use it wisely."

"He's going to be mad when he finds out."

"Don't let him," he turns to leave the room. "Oh, and by the way. I can smell something from the basement. You should take care of it. It smells like a dead rat." He gives me a knowing look, then leave for real.

I stand there, rigidly, my heart beating fast. Goddamn it.

 **I know, this wasn't really my best chapter. But I promise next one will be better. Thank you all for reviewing, I really appreciate it. Also, I seriously laughed so hard, reading the seven inches review. Thank you. Try to guess how the dead girl will affect the future chapters:) Hope you enjoyed.**


	8. Underwater

**Underwater**

Pinning both my wrists on my nightstand, Jonathan breathes heavily against my neck. "Clary..."

"Jon," I mean to say it confidently, but it comes out like a whimper. "Please don't. You know I don't think of you that way."

"You lie when you say that. I know you feel this... Bond between us."

"Love. That's what I feel. But not like this... As my brother, I love you as my brother." His grip on my wrists tighten as I say this.

"Bullshit. That's bullshit. Tell me, Clary. What's the difference? Between the love to your brother and to your lover? Where exactly is the line? It's the same, isn't it? There's no difference."

I open my mouth to say something, but no sound comes out when Jonathan's mouth meet the skin of my neck. He finds my pulse, moving gently against the spot, and as much as I do know that this is wrong, it feels... Good.

Eventually, I push him away weakly, steadying my thoughts. "I don't want this, Jon. I really don't want us to be like this. I want us to be like how we used to be when we were young. When we were-" the rest of the sentence is cut off as my brother leans in again to press his lips against my own this time.

He moves closer against me, his body fully flushed against mine. I struggle against his grip on my wrists, but I know it won't do much.

"Come on, Clary..." He murmurs against my lips. "Kiss me back."

I close my eyes shut tightly, hoping he'll realize how wrong this is. His tongue parts my lips forcefully, trying to get me react to the kisses. I bite on his lips hard, tasting blood. He springs apart from me instantly, licking his lips. I open my mouth to yell out for Mom, Dad, or even Jace, but Jonathan quickly puts his hand on my mouth, silencing me. He pushes me toward my bed, and as the back of my knees hit the frame, I can't help but collapse against the mattress.

"Jon..."

He climbs on top of me, one hand still on my mouth. His lips on my shoulder, he fumbles with the hem of my shirt with another hand. But before I can protest, he does something unexpected. He starts making painful noises against my neck, pausing his kisses.

I stay like that, frozen, as Jonathan clings onto me as if he's dying. And maybe he really is. Dying. Slowly and painfully. Day by day.

"I'm not a monster," he sobs dryly without shedding any tears. "I'm not... I'm not..."

He wraps his strong arms around me tightly. Like he'd drowning and I'm his only lifesaver.

"Why would anyone think I'm..." He sounds so vulnerable. Raw.

"Shh," I hold him closer to me, forgetting for one second that he was kissing me just a moment ago. "You're not. You're good. And I love you."

"You're afraid of me, aren't you?"

"Of course not," a lie. Even though I love him. _Because_ I love him. I'm afraid of losing him, my brother.

"You are!" He wails against my neck. "Promise me... Promise you'll always love me whatever happens. Promise you'll always be with me."

"I promise, Jon."

"I love you," he says hoarsely. "Do you believe that?"

"Yes, I do."

He lifts his head up, looking into my eyes. With his hair sticking to his forehead because of sweat, and his eyes wild and searching, he looks insane, but beautiful at the same time.

"I've been wondering..." He starts quietly. "And it's bugging me like hell. If I didn't have the dark blood in me... Would you say you do think of me in that way? Would you kiss me back?"

"No. It's not like that."

"But it is. Is it the fact that I'm your brother bothering you, or just me myself?"

"That doesn't matter."

"It does."

"Jon. You're feeling too warm," I say, trying to avoid answering any more questions. "Like you're... Like you're burning."

"That's my... Blood fighting," he says, laughing dryly.

"That's why you've been hurting," I say, feeling stupid. Of course, he still has Nephilim blood in him.

He smiles weakly. "Can I... Stay with you? For the night?"

"Jon-"

"I swear. I just want to stay with you," he whispers.

"Alright. But we should at least brush our teeth and get-"

"No. I'm too tired. Can we just go to sleep? Like this?"

A comfortable silence passes between us.

"Okay. Let me just turn the light off," I say softly, pushing him off me swiftly. Barefoot, I turn the light off and go back to bed, pulling at the covers.

"Your pillow smells like you," he says, lying down on his stomach with his arms neatly folded between his head and my pillow.

"Well," I climb onto the bed. "I do sleep on it every night."

"Good night, Clary," he says, never breaking the eye contact.

"Good night, Jon." My brother.

* * *

I wake up, knowing something's wrong. I can feel it. I can hear it. I snap my eyes open, sitting up. I find Jonathan flipping through my sketchpad. "Jon!" I scream, reaching out for the pad. "Give it back!"

"Nice drawing," he says, leaning back against the chair. He holds up a drawing of Jace. "You drew a lot of him, I see."

"And a lot of you."

"Not as much as him."

I roll my eyes, reaching out for my sketchpad once again, and succeeding this time.

"You don't need to lie to me, you know," he says bitterly. "I have my own eyes, and I live with you."

"Jon, what are you talking about?" I ask, despite knowing this has something to do with Jace.

"Stop acting like that!" He suddenly yells.

"Like what?"

"Like... Like that! Just like that! Like you're so oblivious to everything! I know you're just pretending to be. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"You know... If this is about Jace again, I'm not going to talk about it."

"Because it's true, isn't it? You look at him the exact way I look at you," he spits the words like acid. "You're different with him. It makes me so sick."

"You can say that?" I yell back, my eyes widening. "You were the one who was forcing yourself on me last night!"

"That's different!"

"I don't see how so. And if you think for one moment that Jace likes me, you're so stupid-"

"No, you're the one that's stupid. You're the one that can't see things. Or maybe you're just lying to yourself."

"Seriously? Me? Jon, he lives to insult me! He probably doesn't like me even as a sister!"

"You really think that's why he acts like that? I guess you're just more stupid than I thought," he stands up, ready to leave the room. "You just don't know him as well as we do."

"Don't know who?"

"See? There you go again!" He walks out of the room, then closes the door loudly. Flinching because of the noise, I feel tears gathering from frustration.

* * *

"I heard you and Jonathan yelling from upstairs," Mom says quietly. "What were you guys fighting about?"

"Stuffs," I say grimly.

"Clary," she says, sighing. "I don't want you fighting with him, okay? I know that he's your brother and such, but-"

"Oh my god, Mom. Stop! Don't talk about him like that. Do you even love him?"

"You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Yes, you should have," a voice interrupts us from behind me. "Your Mom's right, Clary. Jonathan isn't good for you."

"How can you guys be like this?" I stand up from the kitchen table, facing Dad.

"We're just trying to protect you!"

"I don't need your protection anymore. Especially not from my own brother!"

"Clary," Dad says sternly. "Jonathan is still... Changing. It's getting worse day by days, and it will continue to be. Sometimes, you can't escape from the truth."

"Is that why? Is that why you're trying to escape from your own son? Because if that's the real reason, then I'm leaving. It's too sick to be in this house for one more freaking second."

I run out of the house as fast as I can, not even knowing where to go. I grab my phone to text Simon to ask if I can come over, but he says he's at his grandma's place. Exhaling furiously, I decide to go to Java Jones for some relaxation.

The walk to the small coffee shop is indeed quite relaxing. Watching the trees that are just starting to turn bright red, I try to push the thoughts of Jonathan and my asshole Dad away.

In and out. In and out. In and out. Taking deep breaths, I walk into the shop, hearing the familiar sound the bells on the door make... And crap. I see Jace with that Isabelle girl, talking and laughing. Laughing. With her. He rarely laughs with me. And he doesn't often take a girl to a coffee shop. I feel a burning sensation down my throat. I turn to leave, but too late. He sees me. His eyebrows go up slightly, but he doesn't acknowledge me or anything. Biting my lower lip, I get out of the shop. Hatred. That's what I feel.

I keep walking, not seeing where I'm going. Which... Apparently wasn't the best idea in the history.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!"

I flinch, looking up at a tall, scary looking guy. I would say he looks kinda hot, but his scowling face just makes me more angry.

"Sorry," I mumble under my breath. I try to get pass him, but he grabs me by my arm before I can leave.

"Yeah? You're sorry? This is my brand new shirt and it's going to smell like a redhead slut now."

"A redhead slut?" I repeat his words, narrowing my eyes.

"Oh, you wanna suck my dick or something? I don't usually go for shorties, but you're a redhead..." He says, smirking.

"You are so dead!" I yell, despite knowing we've already gained more than enough attention. I punch his face hard on the lips, making them bleed.

"The fuck?! You bitch punched me, and you're going to pay for it!"

The tiny fight quickly turns into a full violent fight, and no one from the street stops us. My nose is bleeding like hell, but I barely notice it. I'm kicking him in the stomach when someone from the behind grabs me by my waist, making me fall down on his chest.

I claw at the guy's grip on my waist, freeing myself and standing on my feet. I run around quickly to beat the shit out of him when I find Jace standing up from the ground.

"What the hell, Jace? I was ready to knock him out cold!"

"Exactly, stop," he says, looking weary.

"Oh, so you brought your boyfriend to protect you?" The son of a bitch sneers.

"And you," Jace says, glaring at him. "Don't talk to my sister like that."

"That bitch so deserved it."

"You're the one who called me a redhead slut first!" I yell, lunging myself at him, but once again, Jace stops me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Let me go!" I thrash around in his tight grip.

"Dammit, Clary! Stop! Calm down." He turns his gaze onto the bastard. "Leave before I put my hands on you."

Gritting his teeth, he starts backing up. "But it's not like I'm afraid of you!"

Rolling his eyes, Jace spins me around, making me face him. I grab my nose, trying to stop the bleeding.

"You know better than that, Clary. What were you thinking?"

"I-"

"And I just got a text from Mother. Said you just ran out of the house."

"But-"

"Are you even listening to me, Clary?"

I stare at him, my lips moving, but not making any intelligent sound. "Um..."

"I'm sorry, you can talk now."

"That bastard called me a redhead slut and he was saying-"

"Or not. Just be quiet." He looks at me for a moment in silence, then sighs. "You should go home. Mother's worried about you. You okay?" He asks, touching my nose a little roughly, if you ask me.

"Ow! Stop that."

"Maybe you can-"

"If you do care about me, you should go beat the shit out of him."

"Clary. He's a mundane. Come on, are you on your period or something? You seem to be slightly on the edge today."

"I'm fine, thank you very much," I snap. "I'm sorry I interrupted your date with Isabelle," not.

"No, you're not," oh, he knows me so well. "Come on, let me get you home."

 **I'm sorry for Magnus the Maleficent not being in this chapter. Next time, my friends. Thank you all for the reviews, by the way! Hope you liked this chapter! I'll try to update soon, I promise.**


	9. but You Can Still Breathe

**but You Can Still Breathe**

Curious as a newborn baby, I take the stele-my stele-out from my drawer. I admire it, loving how smooth it feels against my skin. I think about drawing a rune of two on me, but then again, my dear overprotective Dad will notice.

There's this symbol I keep seeing in my head which I probably saw from the Gray Book, but I don't dare to try it on. And even without Dad, I'm not quite sure what it does. I don't remember everything I read from a book, you know.

"Playing with your new toy?" A voice asks from the doorway, making me flinch in surprise.

"Magnus," I breathe, relieved.

"Try something on."

"I can't. Dad will notice."

"Do it somewhere he won't see."

Thinking, I raise my shirt up a little, revealing a little of my stomach.

"Do I just...?"

"Like the way you did with your brother," he tells me, urging me on with his brilliant eyes.

Nodding, I grab the stele tightly, pressing it against my skin. I gasp at the sudden burn, almost retrieving my hand, but stopping myself. I draw the rune that has kept bugging me carefully. I wait for a moment. Nothing.

"Nothing's happening," I state the obvious.

Magnus looks weird. His eyes look distant like a blind's.

"What's wrong? Are you feeling sick?"

"No," he says quietly. "This won't work on you."

"What do you mean, it won't work on me?"

"I need to go," he says, turning around. "I love your closet, by the way. Especially the inside. And be safe, Clary."

* * *

The dinner is slightly awkward for me. Mom and Dad left earlier for the meeting, so it's just me, Jonathan, Jace, Magnus, and Simon-whom I've invited. To my surprise, Mom was actually willing to go this time. Ah... So many weird things happening to me these days.

Simon keeps on talking about Dungeon and Dragons, while I try to keep up with him.

"But seriously, though, Simon. Can we talk about something else?" I whine, not able to take it anymore. "You know, something that doesn't have to do with six foot fairies in underwear made of fur?"

"And what kind of fun will that conversation be to our endearing Simon?" Jace says, playing with his pasta.

"Underwear made of fur?" Magnus, the 'fashion expert' asks. "Sounds like an idea."

"Why are we talking about this?" I bury my face in my hands. "It's like the dark side of YouTube."

"YouTube?" Jonathan asks, squinting his eyes. "If that's a name of a demon, I feel terrible."

"Jon!" I scold him abruptly.

"A demon?" Simon frowns. "Don't understate my lord!"

Rolling my eyes, I stuff more pasta into my mouth.

"Mundanes," Jonathan mutters quietly under his breath.

"Can we talk about something cheerful?" I ask, hoping Jace wouldn't scoff at this-he does, it turns out to be.

"Cheerful? Like sparkles?" Magnus says, brightening up.

"Why do I even bother," I sigh.

"Actually, I've got a cheerful thing to say," Simon announces, standing up. "My fellow... Um... Family of Clary," he starts, clasping his hand. "It turns out, Jaida Jones has a crush one me."

A moment of silence passes. "That is... Very great, Simon," I say. Then, slowly, Jace starts to clap sarcastically. "Well done, Lewis. So what's the cheerful thing?"

"Hey! You're just jealous. I mean, no one likes you guys. Neither of you have been asked out for all your lives!"

"Oh, Lewis. It's just that you don't know about our love lives at all. At all," Jace says, and both Jonathan and I tense up. "Don't you agree, dear brother?"

"Ooh, is it an unrequited love?" Simon hums excitedly, plopping back on his chair. "Please resume."

Jace coughs to hide his laughter.

"You could say unrequited love," he says in a dry kind of amusement as I grit my teeth. "But it's even better than that. You know what they say, it's the best when a love's for-"

"Shut. Up. Herondale," Jonathan scowls, barely holding back his temper.

Simon-the innocent soul who thought this was just a joke-looks shocked, and Magnus just seems out of it. Weird. It's very unlikely for him.

"Scary," Jace mocks him.

Feeling anger burning up inside me, I keep seeing flashes of symbols in my head. Runes. Without thinking, I grab my stele from my pocket, then draw a rune on the inner side of my wrist. Just as I finish the rune, I hear a yelp from Jace. He's down on the ground, looking angry and surprised.

"What happened?" Simon asks, confused.

I look at my wrist to find the rune almost faded. I grab my stele again, but a certain voice stops me. "Stop it, Clary." I look up and see Magnus, looking weary. What's wrong with him?

"I..." I look down, not knowing what to say. What did I just did? Was it me who got Jace on the ground? Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

Breathing out in frustration, Jace stands back up and sits down on his chair. But before anyone can say anything, we hear voices from the front door. Dad.

"They're back home already," I say, standing up and running toward the door.

"-I told you there is nothing!"

"We'll see, Valentine, we'll see."

In comes a few middle aged men and women with Dad and Mom. Dad looks angry while Mom looks like she's in agony.

"Mom? Dad? Is everything alright?"

"Yes, Angel," Dad says wearily.

Jace, Jonathan, and Simon comes out. Not Magnus. The guests squint at Simon, tilting their head sideways.

"At least," Mom speaks up. "Let the mundane out before he gets traumatized.

"Um... Mundane what?" Simon asks, looking confused.

"Malachi," one of the women says. "Please guide him safely out and to his home."

A man gently nods, and takes Simon out. "Wait, Clary-"

"It's okay, Simon. I'll text you!" I say as Malachi shuts the door.

"So... What's happening?" Jonathan asks, crossing his arms and slouching against the wall.

"Bullshit, that's what," Dad says angrily.

"Valentine," Mom speaks softly. "Why don't we just give them what they want?"

"Excellent proposal, Jocelyn," a woman with grey hair says. "Lead the way."

"Wait, what are you doing?" I furrow my eyebrows, looking at Dad, then at Mom.

"They want to check our basement," Dad says in a frustrated tone. "If you guys think-"

"We're just going to check, Valentine."

Oh, dammit. I share quick glances with Jace and Jonathan. "Wait-" but I'm interrupted when a man pushes past me, walking toward the basement. All the people-assuming from the Clave-takes out their weapons.

"Carstairs, the Sensor, please."

A woman takes it out. "No demonic activity," she states.

"Tear up the floor."

No. No. No. I try to stop them, but Mom puts her hand on my shoulder. "Trust me, Clary. Please stay still."

Oh! Maybe she knew about the girl, and took care of her or something. I begin to relax a little. One of the men take out a stele and draws a rune on the floor. Soon enough, the floor starts tearing up by itself a little by little, revealing...

I wince, quickly turning my face away.

"Valentine?" A woman says, crossing her arms.

"No," he says, shaking his head. "No. No! You," he hisses, pointing at her. "Put the body in here. In my house when it was empty!"

"Now, now," a man interrupts. "Let's be rational. Why would she put the body in here?"

"Because you want us gone! Because you want the end of the Circle, that's why! You did this on purpose! You're the one that should be punished!"

"Valentine Morgenstern, in the holy name of Clave, we arrest you under the name of Angel Raziel and..."

"Clary," Mom whispers softly into my ear as I remain frozen, too terrified to move at all. "Run." Be safe, Clary... Be safe... I love your closet, by the way... Especially the inside. "Run!"

Without thinking, I dash up the stairs, taking two in a stride, running to my room. I can hear the rest of my family following me, then the members of Clave behind them. As soon as Mom, Dad, Jace, and Jon gets into my room, I close the door. "Everybody! Shift your weight against the door!"

They listen to me, so while they keep pushing at the door against the people outside, I quickly get my stele out.

"Clary, what...?"

Not bothering to listen to Dad, I draw a rune on the door, asking everyone to step back. The door doesn't open. It worked.

"My closet... My closet..." I murmur, opening it.

There it is. The portal.

"To the Wayland Manor," Jace says knowingly.

"No, the portal can't get us there," Dad speaks calmly as usual.

"To the Wayland Manor," I say quietly.

"Angel-"

"Just give it a try," Jace says frantically, already jumping in.

"Clary, go next," Mom tells me.

"Jon can go first," I insist, pushing him in after Jace.

"Now go!" Mom yells-which she doesn't do often.

"Mom..."

"Please, go!"

The crowd outside's footsteps fade away, probably a few of them going outside to get us through the window. Mom, her eyes wild, grabs a vase on my nightstand, swinging it against Dad's head. Shreds of glass fall down gracefully on the wooden floor like it's raining.

"Mom!" I yell as Dad's knees buckle, almost falling to the ground. "What are you doing!"

"Go, Clary! Go! Before the portal closes!" She yells back, lunging at Dad once more.

"No, stop!" I scream, grabbing both her wrists.

Dad regains his posture, looking both betrayed and angry.

"Dad, to the portal!" I say, holding back Mom.

* * *

Leaves. Red. Yellow. Orange. I slowly stand up from the ground, looking around me. Jonathan. Jace. Dad. Mom. Wayland Manor. Jace looks mesmerized by it, slowly walking toward it.

"It's where I grew up," he says, touching the brick wall carefully.

It's not that big, but quite a scene. Or maybe it's the early Autumn thing. The colorful trees are bended toward the house, as if they're bowing to it.

"It took long time for you to get here. Is everything alright?" Jon asks, tucking a strand of my wild, red hair behind my ear.

"Yeah," I say, slightly out of breath. "It's fine."

But Mom's wailing shortly after that doesn't prove me right. She collapses on the ground covered with leaves, sobbing loudly. Or more like screaming in despair.

"Mom," I say, breath taken by the sound. "What happened back there?"

But she doesn't answer me, just keeps shaking her head.

"Enough," Dad says sternly. "Let's get settled up first."

Bringing a warm cup of tea to Mom, I sit down on the couch beside her.

"So...? What happened?"

"I'm sorry... I was such a mess, weren't I?" She says, sipping the tea a little. "What's this tea called? I've always liked tea more than coffee, you know that, right?"

"Okay, enough of that," I say, pushing her cup away. I raise an eyebrow, silently asking her for an answer.

"Clary," she sighs. "Don't believe everything you think is true. Love can be blinding, sometimes."

"I don't know what that has to do with this."

"You'll get it. Eventually. But now's not the time to talk about it. Especially since I've lost my only chance."

Shaking my head, I lean forward to her.

"Mom... No matter what happens, I'm with you. But I'm also with Dad. Don't make me choose."

"But you'll have to. Someday."

"I don't get it. You love Dad. Why did you try to stop him from going?"

"Not now, Clary. Just not now."

A comfortable silence passes between us.

"It was Magnus, wasn't it?" I ask quietly. "He's the one who knew about... The girl. He's the one who contacted the Clave. He's the one who made the portal."

"Yes."

"But why? Why put us in danger, then help us?"

"Because. I wasn't brave enough to," she leans back against the couch. "It's a bit cold here, isn't it? Do you want me to get some tea for you?"

"Mom," I say in an irritated voice, shaking my teacup in front of her face. "You know, I won't be that mad if you're having an affair."

"Oh, God, no. Clary, no," she says, giving a gasps of laughs. "No, it's not like that."

"Well, if you want a divorce..."

Mom just shakes her head slightly. "I don't really want to think about this now. We're here, in the Wayland Manor, and that's what's important. I just want you to know... Not everything I do is good. You should know that, okay?"

I nod.

"Done with the mother-daughter quality time?" Interrupts Dad.

Surprised, Mom and I both turn around to face him. His face looks a little uncomfortable-even nervous, maybe.

"Supposedly," Mom replies curtly.

"I want you guys in the dining hall. Now."

* * *

"First off, give me your phone, Clary."

"What?" I ask, staring incredulously at my Dad. "No!" I clutch my phone closer to my chest.

"Come on, Clary. I don't have time for this."

"This is crazy. Absolutely crazy."

But when he holds out his hand, his palm up, I give it to him reluctantly.

"And your stele," he says, not retrieving his hand. "I don't know how you got one, but you need to give it to me."

"Oh, come on, Valentine," Mom interrupts. "That's not very necessary, is it?"

"She will overuse-"

"She can control it better than you," she spits the words like acid. "I say she can keep it."

"I second that," Jonathan joins in the conversation.

Mom looks at Jace for help. "Yeah, whatever."

"This," Dad says calmly. "Has nothing to do with voting."

"You know what, you're right. No one gets to decide this. It's up to Clary," Mom argues back.

Dad clenches and unclenches his jaw, looking at Mom. "Jocelyn, I get that-"

"No, you don't get anything. I'm her legal guardian too, and I get to decide stuffs for her too. And I allow her to keep it."

A silence passes, with Dad fuming. "Guess I'm keeping it," I say, smirking.

"So the family meeting is over?" Jace asks in a bored tone.

"Not just yet," Dad says. "I have something to propose."

Mom's eyebrow shoots up instantly.

"Clary, Jonathan. I believe you are old enough and experienced. And since my legal protection is in danger, I shall hand over my position in the Circle to you two."

"No," Mom breathes out. "No... If this is about what happened back at home, I swear-"

"Goddammit, it's not about that, Jocelyn! Not everything's about you!"

"I don't accept! I don't!"

"Too bad, I'm handing it over."

"Then I'm out."

A moment of silence passes, with me and my other two brothers watching carefully.

"What did you say?" Dad asks, inhaling.

"I'm out. Of the Circle. I can't do this anymore. I won't do it anymore."

"You lie."

"No, Valentine. You lie."

"O... Kay. Do we get to know what the Circle is?" Jace interrupts.

"Something that doesn't matter to me anymore," Mom says, turning around and leaving the room.

"Wait, wait. When you say Jonathan..." My pale haired brother says.

"I don't mean you," Dad says sternly. "You're not fitting for the Circle, Jonathan."

"I've been trained perfectly! I was always the obedient one! While he-" he points at Jace. "Has always been rebellious. He'll never be able to continue your work!"

"Hold up," Jace says, raising his hand. "You know all about this shit?"

"Exactly my point," Jonathan says. "He doesn't even know what the Circle is. Clarissa and I can continue this, Father. We'll make you pride."

"I understand you, Jonathan. But you are too... How you are," he starts turning around. "Look, I've gotta talk to Jocelyn-"

"Bullshit!" He yells, grabbing his sword in a swift motion, striking it at Dad.

"Jon!" I scream, pushing him away. "Stop! What are you doing?"

Time starts to stretch infinitely like a rubber band. His obsidian eyes turn even darker shade-if that's possible-as he tries to drive his sword into Dad. I kick the hilt with my foot as hard as I can, knocking it out of his grasp. He gives out a couple gasps of coughs, regaining his posture.

"I'm... I'm sorry," he whispers to me.

"Jon," I say, briefly pulling him toward me, embracing him.

"This is what I'm talking about. You're too irrational. I wanted a soldier, but you're a monster. A bloodthirsty-"

"Stop!" I scream at Dad, pulling away from my brother. "Stop talking to him like that!"

"You need to accept it, Clary. You need to accept what he is."

"He's my brother. You're the monster. Now I see it. That's why Mom's like that, isn't it? She loves you, but she doesn't want you. She hates the Circle, you know. The meetings... She was always unwilling to go," my each words hit him hard, I can see it. "She's the one who needs to accept it, not me."

"Enough," he fumes. Never has he been this loose in front of me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper silently, seeing emotions exploding like fireworks in his eyes. I'm not really sorry, though. I just do still love him, and I don't want to see him hurt.

* * *

"Demonology for children," he says, picking a book out from an old, dusty bookcase. "Ha, used to be my favorite."

"Sounds very... You," I say, crossing my arms.

"I'll gladly take that as a compliment," he says, stopping his gaze on me for a while.

"You know, I'm still mad at you."

"You're always mad at me," he says, laughing dryly.

"I just don't get it. Every moment, you're either being ass toward us, or too tired to."

"Do you hate me?"

"Hate is a strong word," I say, shrugging.

"But then again, what isn't?" He looks down at the floor for a second. "Hey, where'd you get the stele, anyways?"

"Magnus. He gave it to me."

"And the thing you did on the door? I've never seen that rune before."

"I don't know, it just popped into my head."

"Wonder what's hidden beneath that fiery red curls of yours," he jokes, tapping the top of my head lightly. He then, puts the book back in its shelf.

"What's in your mind?" I suddenly ask. "You're always so... Damn well hidden."

"If I'm so damn well hidden, why would I tell you what's in my mind just because you asked?" He says jokingly.

"Because I'm your sister?"

"And what about you?" He says, tensing up a little.

"What about me?"

"Never mind that," he says in a sharp voice, returning back to the bookcase and running his fingers over the books. But I can clearly see that he isn't actually looking at them.

"Are you... I don't know, upset or something?"

"No."

"See? There you go again, shielding yourself up again."

"Then what do you want for me?" He exclaims, turning around abruptly.

"I just... Look! We never end a conversation in good terms."

"Just shut up, Clary! Jesus, just get out of my room!" I flinch a little. "Aww, sheesh, you're hurt, aren't you? Maybe I should behave a little better next time," he says mockingly.

"You know what, screw you!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

"I didn't know you too were into incest."

"What did you say?" I demand incredulously.

"I think you heard what I said."

"And that's probably the last thing I hear you say, considering I'm never talking to you again," I say quietly.

"But you'll be running back to me!" He says, his lips curling in anger. "You always do."

"I don't need you!" I yell, stomping out to the hallway.

"Well, I don't need you either!" He yells back behind me while I run as fast as I can to my room.

 **A long chapter wasn't it? You're welcome ;)**

 **I know... There wasn't any Clace or Clabastian in this chapter. Just... So many things were happening, and I didn't have any time, you know. I'm sorry if this chapter was too complicated. Hope you enjoyed and thank you all for reviewing! I really appreciate them.**


	10. Pawn Off the Board

**Pawn Off the Board**

"Jon?" I ask as my bedroom door opens slowly with a creak.

"Yeah, it's me. Did I wake you up?"

"No, I couldn't sleep. So many things happened today."

"I know," he whispers, slipping into the room and closing the door behind me.

I being to tense up as the only streak of light in the room disappears. I hear him walking toward me and sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Do you need anything?" I ask, sitting up.

"Couldn't sleep either," I hear him say in the dark.

"You can lead the Circle instead of me. I don't want to, anyways."

"I wish I can lead instead of the Herondale. But I doubt Father would let me."

I begin to adjust to the dark, finally able to catch a few glimpses of his expression.

"Why do you want to, though?"

"The Circle isn't exactly what I want," he starts slowly. "I might look like Father, but I don't share the same interests as him. I don't want the Circle. I don't have the same intention. But I'm also not with the Clave, which means I'll need allies."

"Allies?"

"I can change the Circle, Clary."

"I'm confused."

"We will write a new history. You and I. Just us. We can rule. No Clave at all. We'll use the Circle as a weapon against it, and then the world is ours."

"Jon, why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I love you," he says, grabbing my hand. "I've been thinking about our future since long ago. You, beside me on a throne. With no interventions at all. Together. Forever."

"What if I don't want that? I don't give a crap about Clave, but I want Dad, I want Mom, I even want Jace and Simon."

"If you really want them, they can be with us. As long as they don't get in our way."

"Our way?"

"Our way."

"But I-" the rest of my words are cut off as he begins to pull at his shirt. "Jon, what are you doing?"

"Relax, I just want a relaxation rune," he says, chuckling.

My sharp intake of breath fills the silence as his shirt hits the floor, leaving him shirtless.

"Since you have your own stele now," he climbs onto my bed beside me. "You'll use your own, won't you?"

With trembling fingers, I grab my stele from my nightstand.

"Put it on right here," he says, guiding my hand to his hard stomach and pressing it against his hot skin. I suddenly become very aware of myself straddling his hips with my hands on his stomach. His face shows off weariness, looking at me tiredly through his long lashes.

He lets out a light hum in the back of his throat as I slowly start drawing the rune on his skin. His mouth rests on the crown of my head, not daring to move.

"Don't stop," he says as I begin finishing it up.

"But I'm done."

"I know."

"Jon," I say quietly. "You should probably go back to your room."

"But I can't sleep."

"The rune will help," I climb off the bed to get his shirt, then I toss it to him. "Goodnight, Jon."

"Do you love me?" He asks, grabbing my wrist rather tightly.

"Yes, God, yes. Of course I do," I say, stepping backward a little. "Look, I'm tired."

"I'm tired too."

I nod once, trying to search for something in his face.

* * *

I'm not tired, actually. I can't go to sleep. Sighing deeply, I get out of my bed. Tiptoeing across the hallway, I debate on whether to go to Jonathan's room or Jace's. When I was twelve years old, I didn't debate on this, but now, I know that I don't want my brother to mistake my actions.

But then again, I remember what Jace yelled at me just a moment ago. _But you'll be running back to me. You always do._ Maybe he was right. Do I need him? Would my life change if he suddenly disappears from it?

This is ridiculous. Shaking my head, I open the door quietly, walking in.

"Jace?" I whisper under my breath.

"Yeah?" He asks, sitting up on his bed. In the dim light, his face looks tired, yet, not sleepy.

Suddenly feeling deja vu from the old times crushing down on me, I shut the door lightly behind me. "I was just wondering if I could... Stay with you. For the night."

"I thought you didn't need me." Ouch. That hurts.

"Alright," I say, my voice almost inaudible. I turn around, but he speaks again.

"No, wait. I'm sorry. Come here."

So in the darkness, I climb onto his comfy bed. I don't snuggle up to him like I did when I was younger, but his presence is enough to make me feel safe. Our body isn't touching at all, but I still feel his warmth somehow.

"Do you need me?" He suddenly asks, breaking the silence.

"No," I answer a moment after. "I mean, maybe I do, but I think I've been without you for so long. People adapt, you know." He doesn't say anything, but I have the urge to continue on. "I do miss you," I say, my voice breaking. "But you're not here, and maybe you won't come back to me."

"I'm here."

"Not quite the boy who I first saw."

"Everyone changes."

"I know," I only reply quietly.

He shifts beside me, lying on his side to face me with his golden hair spread across his pillow. "You've changed too."

"I grew up. You just changed."

"And what's the difference?"

"Maybe there isn't," I admit.

His hand sneaks up to mine, his fingers curling around my hand.

"Even when we're just lying down like this, it doesn't feel like the old times," I say, looking at him intently.

"And does that bother you? After all, we're not eight anymore."

"But you're still my brother."

He remains silent, which just kills me.

"Oh my god, Jace," I say, feeling tears pool around my eyes.

"What?"

"You don't care for me, do you? Do you even think of me as a sister? Would it matter to you if I died right now?"

"Clary..."

"I need you, okay? There, I admit it. I need you."

I find Jace looking at me wearily, saying nothing.

"Do you care about me at all?" I say in a shaking voice, wanting to wrap my arms around his warm body, but my pride stopping me.

"I do," he replies quietly after a second of silence.

"But you don't act like you do. You always hurt me so much, and I know you know. Why? Why do you do that?"

He doesn't answer me.

"Say something," I urge him, refraining my finger from touching his blonde locks. "I don't know when, but all I know is that in one moment, I lost both my brothers. I want them back, but you know so damn well that Jon... That Jon can't be that brother in my dreams, so... So... Will you please be mine? Be my brother again?"

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, waiting for his answer. For some reason, I'm not sure if I want him to say yes. But that's just ridiculous. Of course I want him to say yes.

"Okay." At this, a sharp breath that I didn't know I've been holding gets released, filling the silence.

"Can you... Can you hold me? To sleep?"

"Clary..." He protests carefully, grabbing my wrists and refraining me from touching him.

"Please? Just like when we were young."

I put my head on his chest, feeling the warmth seeping through his shirt. He hesitantly wraps his strong arms around my waist, awkwardness consuming us.

"Promise me you'll stay like this," I whisper against his chest.

"I promise."

* * *

I wake up with a start, suddenly coming to sense that this is not my bed. I sit up abruptly, looking around me. It's only me in the IKEAish room, the silence bothering me to hell.

Sighing, I get out of the bed and am ready to walk out of the room when the door suddenly swings open, almost hitting me in the face.

"You're still here," Jace states the obvious, a genuine surprise written on his face.

"I was just about to leave. What time is it?"

"Almost ten. You slept in."

His golden hair is slightly wet and a shade darker, showing that he just took a shower. His light blue shirt sticking partly to his torso gives that away too.

"What did I miss?"

"Father and Jon had a little... Disagreement." He closes he door shut behind him with his foot, walking toward his bed. He starts making the bed very neatly.

"Disagreement?" I inquire further, my eyebrows shooting up.

"You know... That thing about the Circle."

"And Mom? She okay?"

"Both her and Father look quite messed up, but you should check them out yourselves... I think they went somewhere, though. By the way," he says, turning around to face me. "I recommend taking a shower. You look like crap."

"I was tired, thank you very much. And you don't need to be so rude, you know," I say, crossing my arms.

"I'm not. I'm just brutally honest."

"Good to know."

"Now, since you've nearly spent nine hours in my room, I would be grateful if I can get a few hours to myself," he says, pulling-not my favorite anymore-band t shirt that has fallen from my shoulder back up.

A flush creeps up to my face as his finger brushes against a little of my bare shoulder despite my effort to hide it.

"Okay," I say quickly, leaving the room.

* * *

 _Out with your mother. Will be back before midnight. Got Pangborn and Blackwell to get some stuffs from our home around three, so open the door for them, will you?_

Putting down Dad's small note back on the kitchen table, I sigh. I hope they'll be careful. After all, we are in the home of Shadowhunters. Even though Dad is a good fighter, he won't be able to take down a big group of our species.

"You must be hungry," a voice says from behind. I quickly spin around, facing Jonathan.

"A little," I say, shrugging.

"Were you at Jace's room?" He asks sharply in an accusing voice.

"Does it matter?"

"You were, weren't you? God, this is so sick! You know better than that, Clary."

"We weren't doing anything! We just slept, that's all," I say incredulously. "And you're such a hypocrite. You too, were-"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm different. _We're_ different."

"How so?"

"We're Morgensterns. And we're alike. Jace, frankly, has nothing to do with us. But you, Clary, you are just like me. You deny with that Fairchild hair of yours, but you are a Morgenstern."

"I never said I wasn't."

"I know you didn't," he says, his eyes softening a little. "But that doesn't matter for now." Then, he leans in to kiss me. Hard. His delicate fingers frame my face, his eyes fluttering close.

I make a surprised sound against his lips, trying to pull away. But he doesn't move at all, only kisses me harder. He pushes me against the wall behind me, pressing his body fully against mine.

No, no, no. This is so wrong. But once in a while, something wrong somehow attracts you the more. Maybe that's why my body betrays my mind, letting out a small moan as my own brother trails his kisses down to the base of my neck, his hand on my mouth to prevent me from screaming.

"See?" Jonathan speaks against my skin. "You like it. Admit it." I can literally feel his lips curling into a smirk as he says this.

I gasp against his hand on my mouth, beginning to push him away more frantically, smelling his familiar scent. However, ignoring my attempts, Jonathan puts his arms around me, encircling around me fully, including my arms so I can't use them. But he must have forgotten that he only has two arms, since his hand leave my mouth to do it.

"Jace!" I scream, betraying my pride, my dignity, and my brother.

Hurt swimming around his obsidian eyes, Jonathan pulls away from me slightly as Jace comes running downstairs. Jace, his eyes so dark, swings his fist against Jonathan's face. I only watch as Jonathan presses the back of his hand against his lips, the red blood trickling down his chin, smirking to my surprise. But when he goes for a second blow, I stand in front of Jonathan, telling him to stop.

"Stop?" Jace demands, his eyes still wild. "You're the one who screamed for me in the first place, and stop?"

"Look, I shouldn't have, okay?" I say, flinching a little from the look on his face. "This is only Jon."

Jace scoffs, turning his face to the side and glaring at the refrigerator for no reason. "Right. Only Jon. Maybe you just want him as bad as he wants you. You just don't want to seem like the bad guy."

"What?" I yell incredulously. Has he not promised me last night? Can he not remember?

"Or maybe you're just jealous," Jonathan interrupts, shooting daggers at Jace.

"You really want me to kill you, don't you?" Jace snaps his attention back to Jonathan, swinging his fist back. I hold him back from Jonathan-which is really hard, since he's bigger than me-but he only ignores me. He starts hitting Jonathan bad, like really bad, but he doesn't fight back at all, just taking the blows.

"Oh my god, fight back, goddammit!" I yell at him, trying to pull Jace back.

Jace finally stops when I grab a plate from the table and bring it down on his shoulder with great force. The plate shatters into pieces as all three of us freezes.

"What's wrong with you?!" I yell at Jonathan, suddenly feeling the urge to punch both of them. "You just let him hit you!"

"Oh, but he knows he loses either way," he says, smirking despite the pain he's probably feeling. "So why would I have to fight him back?"

Glaring at him, Jace opens his mouth, closes it again. Then, without warning, he starts stomping on the broken pieces of the plate, making himself bleed.

"Stop!" I yell, my face getting redder and redder. "If you don't, I'm going to kill you myself."

"I bet you'd love to. Then it'd be just you and him, right?" Jace spits the words bitterly. "Gosh, I can't believe this. Both of you are just so ridiculous."

"You promised! You promised you'd-"

"Honey, do you seriously think I meant it? I just said it to stop you from crying and wet my pillows."

That's when I regret that I stopped him from hurting himself.

"You know what?" I say quietly, my voice breaking. "Make yourself bleed for all you want. I won't stop you this time."

He takes a step back from me, slumping against the wall tiredly. I don't feel bad for him, I tell myself despite the look on his face. He deserves even worse than this.

* * *

"Shh," I say in soothing voice when he lets out a wince as I run my fingers over his skin. "I'm sorry. Does it hurt much?"

"Not that much," he replies, burying his face in the pillow.

He's lying down on the bed on his chest with his back bared to me. The little fight back in the kitchen opened up his recent wound from Dad, and I am currently trying to fix it. At the thought of Jace, I furiously bite my lip, anger driving me wild.

"Sometimes, I just wonder... Do you think I can be loved?"

"I love you."

"I know. Just... You know, not just because I'm that somebody's brother." I remain silent, studying his eyes. "Do you love me for who I am?"

"Yes."

"Even if we just met? As who I am right now?"

"I can't imagine that, and I won't. You're my brother, and I do love you. Isn't that all?"

"Or maybe you just love the idea of a brother. I bet that's what you asked Jace for last night. To be your brother, isn't it?"

After an uncomfortable silence, I finally open my mouth. "You want an iratze? For the pain?"

Jonathan sighs, shaking his head sideways.

"I can be your brother," he says, looking up at me through his long lashes, just a shade darker than his hair. I swallow hard, just focusing on his wound. "I can love you better."

"I know you can. Jace is an asshole."

"But then why him?"

"I don't know where you got this idea that I love him more than you. I love you so much, Jon. And you better know that."

"Do you love me more than him?"

"Does it matter? But I would say you're more..." More what? Safe? Sure, betting on Jace is dangerous. You don't know what's in his mind. But do I feel safe with a boy who tries to force me to the bed? Then maybe it's really fucked up.

"You know... I got a falcon too. For my birthday."

"You did?" I ask, genuinely surprised. I remember Jace crying after his bird's death. He taught it to love him, not tamed it. And he, too, loved the falcon. But I've never seen Jonathan with one before.

"Yeah."

"What happened to it?"

"I tamed it perfectly. It did whatever I told it, whenever I wanted it too. I was going to take it to Father, to make him proud."

"And?"

"I just realized... I didn't have one anymore."

"Did it die?"

"Not exactly. I mean, it might have for now. I left the window open."

"I'm sorry," I say quietly.

"It was years ago. Gosh, even birds don't like me. Jace's one followed him like a puppy."

I can see raw pain in his eyes, which I didn't think could exist in his. Then, I just don't know why, but I press my lips briefly on his, because that's what seems right for the moment. And that's what I think will make everything better. His lips barely move and neither does mine.

"Is misery what takes for you to kiss me? I can be miserable for all day, all night, as long as the constellations keep moving," he murmurs quietly as I pull away, his each words stabbing my heart like a dagger. And I suddenly regret doing it.

* * *

Jace is drawing an iratze on himself when I walk into his room.

"Ever heard of knocking?" He says, putting the stele down.

"You," I say, picking up a book and throwing it at him despite knowing he'd be able to dodge it. "Are such an asshole," another book goes flying at him. "You hurt Jon!" I yell, and he dodges another book coming at him.

"Did you come here just to throw things at me?" He says calmly.

"What do you want for lunch?!" I yell, my voice still angry which doesn't really match with my question.

"Pasta would be nice."

"You know," I say, looking at the unfinished iratze on his skin. "You're lucky you can use an iratze for your cuts. You realized you opened up Jon's wound again? He has to suffer like a mundane everyday."

"At least he has someone to take care of his cuts, iratze or not."

"Because he deserves that!"

"Really, Clary? He deserves it? You mean you don't do it because he never got enough of it? Do you go around, counting the goods and the wrongs?"

"Oh my god, shut up! Don't talk to me. I won't listen, anyways."

"You told me you won't talk to me yesterday. And you slept in my room, in my bed that exact same day. And you told me you need me. You need me."

"The hell with that! You don't get to decide whether I-"

"Gosh, Clary. I don't know whether to be relieved or angry." He stares at the ceiling endlessly.

"What?"

"Never mind," he sighs, sitting down on his bed. "Leave. Now."

 **I know, not much got processed in this chapter, but next chapter, I promise you. I really love writing this story for some reason. Gosh, I'm even learning thousands of body languages by researching for some things! Anyways, that's that, and I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for your kind reviews!**


	11. Secret to Tell

**Secret to Tell**

"Coming!" I yell, running down the stairs and to the door.

Then, I freeze right in front of it. Open it! But there's a bad vibe about this. It's not like I can see the future or anything, but you know. That certain feeling you get when something's wrong.

I lean against the door carefully to listen, but no sound. I, first, put the lock on the door as quietly as possible, just to be sure.

"Who's there?" I ask in shaking voice. No reply. I can see Jace at the top of the stairs, watching the whole thing intently.

Then, without warning, the door flies into the house in great force, its hinges broken. I don't really give away time to look at the intruders. Only a blur of black which gives away that they're no doubt Shadowhunters.

I run with the intruders following me, then grab a vase from a table and fling it to them. Thanks to Jace, my throwing skill must have improved. I keep throwing stuffs at them, decreasing their speed, but a flying knife grazes my shoulder anyways. Swallowing the hot, messy pain, I catch up with Jace and we both run into Jon's room, assuming he'll be in there.

"The Clave," I say frantically, swinging the door shut behind me. "Come here and help me," I yell at Jon, pushing against the door. Both Jace and Jonathan join me, pressing against the door as hard as we can, waiting for an outer impact.

Soon enough, the door moves a little with a force from the outside. We know our lack of strength, but we do resist anyways.

"Clary, your stele..." Jace murmurs quietly just as the others give another push at the door. The door almost opens completely, making me yelp.

"It's in my room," I whisper, and in that moment, the door swings open, bringing us down to the floor. As an instinct, I grab my brother's bedside lamp and swing it as hard as I can toward a man's head.

"Don't kill anyone!" Jace says loudly, punching a guy in the face.

I know that. I won't. But gosh, we're too weak to do so. Too outnumbered to fight back, yet not kill.

"Jace, to the window!" I yell, feeling the time stretching like a rubber band. I hear Jace breaking the window with his elbow as I swing a blade at a random person. Then, I snatch a stele from a woman's thigh strap, following Jace out the window, and Jonathan after us. And of course, the intruders following us too.

I land with a thud, my ankle burning from the sudden jump. And also the sizzling pain of my shoulder.

"Come on," Jace says, pulling me up to my feet. "To the kitchen door."

Biting the pain back, all three of us run to the kitchen door. We shut the door as soon as we get in, and I draw a rune on the door quickly.

"They'll come in through the front door," Jonathan says.

"You guys stay here just in case," I say, out of breath.

I run to the front door, and put a different rune in the wall beside the place where the door should be, not knowing if it will work as I want it to. When I hear footsteps running toward me, I stop moving, staying right where they won't be able to see me through the opening.

"They're inside," I hear a woman say. "Get in, Blackthorn."

I press my back against the wall harder, begging the God to let my rune work. Please.

"I can't see them from here," a guy says. "They must not be in."

"They can be anywhere beside the living room, idiot! Get in."

"I don't think we need to."

I feel a smile creeping up in my face, but I still can't be too sure.

"I said, get in!"

"Then why don't you get them?"

"You know what? You're right," the woman says after a moment of hesitation. "There's no reason we should get them. Valentine isn't even here."

"Maybe they're not Valentine's children anyways."

"Exactly. We should go find that boy poisoned by his own father, not waste our time here."

"You know, he's really sick."

"I can't imagine doing that to my own son."

They keep talking on, their voice slowly fading as they walk away from where I am. But gosh... What do they mean? That boy poisoned by his own father? They can't possibly mean...

I snap out of my thoughts and I walk back to my brothers.

"Are we safe?" Jonathan asks me when he sees me.

"For now," I answer.

"We should fight them. We can win."

"No without killing," Jace interrupts, crossing his arms.

"So what if we do kill them?"

"And get us in even more trouble? I don't think so."

"They already hurt Clary. We can say self defense."

"Don't think that will work," I say, just remembering the cut again. "Pangborn and Blackwell will be here soon. They'll take care of it." Although this is really selfish, I don't think there's any other choice.

"You want an iratze?" Jonathan asks, motioning at my shoulder.

"Sure."

* * *

Pangborn and Blackwell came indeed. And they took care of them. And they left us boxes for what we need.

Jace is in the training room, while Jonathan and I are looking through the boxes.

"Where did my favorite band t shirt go?" I complain, fussing through the clothing.

"Come on, it's not like it's your only shirt or anything."

"And where's my sketchbook?" Although I'm whining like a little girl, the two Shadowhunters' conversation is burning in the back of my mind. Poisoned by his own father...? They must've been lying. I know Dad will never do that to Jonathan. But then again...

"You can ask Pangborn or Blackwell for another one."

"But I want mine," I sigh. "And I want to go home."

"I don't need a home. All I will ever want is you," he says, his voice accusing. "Aren't I enough for you?"

"Jon, not this again."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to know if you want anything else more than you need me." He leans back on the couch, his eyes full of adoration.

Then, something from the box I'm holding grabs my attention. It's a ring. A Morgenstern ring, tied to a silver chain. I frown, picking it up. Flashbacks start in the back of my head.

"Hey, wait up for a sec," I tell Jonathan, standing up.

 **I am truly sorry. This is all I got for now. I was just really busy this week. I promise to come up with a longer and better chapter next time. I do know this chapter kinda sucked... :( anyways, thank you all for the reviews. I really appreciated them.**


	12. It and Itself

**It and Itself**

"Jace?" I ask, peering inside the room. I try not to stare at his bare chest, because duh, I'm his sister and I am so not attracted to him. I am really not. I mean, why would I ever feel like that toward him?

"Yeah? I was just going to go take a shower."

"Check this out," I say, holding up the ring. "Remember?"

I expected he'll smile and laugh at our crazy past, but instead, his face goes rigid. "No."

"Oh, come on. When I was eight or nine or something like that."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"We almost got married!" I say, laughing. "And I asked you to kiss me, and you-"

"Stop being stupid, Clary," he says, snatching the ring out of my hand and throwing it aggressively across the room.

"Hey!" I yell, feeling angry. "What's wrong with you?"

"I just can't believe you. Stop being like this."

"Stop being like what?"

"Forget it. Get out!"

"Why are you so mad?" I ask, frowning.

"Look, I'm sorry," he says, taking deep breaths. "Will you please. Get. Out?"

"Why do you want me to?"

"Because I want to be alone. And I gotta... I gotta train more."

"You said you were just going to take a shower."

"Yeah. I gotta take a shower."

"You're not making any sense."

"I don't care," he says, picking his shirt up from the floor and putting it on.

"Did you mean it when you said you only promised to be my brother to stop me from crying?" I demand, blocking the doorway.

"Does that matter?" He asks, annoyance evident in his eyes.

"Yes."

"Doesn't matter to me," he murmurs under his breath, and tries to get pass me.

"Okay, stop," I say, irritated to hell and back. "Why are you being like this?"

"Being like what?"

"Like... Like-this!" I say, motioning wildly at his entire self.

"Because it's me! I'm Jace, and this is who I am. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. It's just the way I am."

"Bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit," I say stubbornly.

"I really need to go shower, and you should go unpack the rest of the stuff with Jon."

"Um, no. I don't think so. Talk to me!"

"There's nothing to talk about, okay?"

"Did I ever do something wrong to you?" I demand.

"Clary. I'm going through."

"No, you're not," I say, however, Jace lifts me up by my waist and walks out of the hallway. "Jace!" I yell, shocked. I cannot believe I'm that light. "Put me down right freaking now!"

But before he actually puts me down, I do the crazy.

I hook my arms behind his neck and pull his face down for a kiss, wrapping my legs around his waist. And in that moment, when his lips meet mine, I just know. This is what a kiss should be like.

I feel Jace kissing me back in the slightest-or maybe it was just my imagination-making a humming sound in the back of his throat, but before one can blink, he abruptly pushes me away, almost dropping me on the floor.

"I-" I start to say, but my voice gets cut in my throat.

"What are you...?" Jace seems to be unable to make a coherent sentence too. "Are you crazy? This is... You are-Ugh! This is disgusting."

I stare at him wordlessly, feeling every words he spit stabbing me like a dagger. But you kissed me back! But I don't dare to say it, because I'm too scared it was just my imagination. I quickly correct my previous thinking. That was not what a kiss should be like. Just a mistake.

* * *

The ring. Gosh. The kiss. No, that was not a kiss. Just an accident. I stare at the glowing moon, wishing I can fly there and never see Jace again. I hate him! I hate him so much, I would do anything to...

We are moving to this tiny cottage at the outskirts of Idris, far away from Alicante tomorrow. Dad decided when we told him what happened. Mom thought it'd be okay to stay here, but Dad strongly disagreed.

It's the cottage we were supposed to live in ever since we were born. But Mom didn't want to live there so bad, so Dad had to give in.

My mind keeps wandering back to the conversation between the two Shadowhunters. I haven't told anyone about it yet. I want to believe they're wrong. I want to believe that Dad wouldn't do it to Jon.

"What are you thinking about?" Dad sits beside me on the porch, listening to the crickets.

"Nothing," I quickly say. The cool wind blows at us, making me shiver a little.

"Big Dipper," he says, pointing up at the night sky. "Nice, isn't it? Away from all the pollution and he bright neon light?"

"Pretty nice," I reply, although I'm not quite sure which one is the constellation.

"Are you worried about tomorrow? I promise everything will be okay, Angel."

"I trust you," I think I trust you.

"And don't worry about me and your mom. We love each other, you know?"

"Then why did she...? You know. And it feels like you're the one who's trying to make her feel better, not other way around. Like you're the one who's trying to make it up."

"I just don't want us separated. Shadowhunters love deeply, and I'm not an exception."

"Does she love you too?"

"Of course she does," he says, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Is something bothering you, Angel?"

"No," I say quietly. A silence feels the void. "Actually, yes."

"What is it? You know you can tell me anything."

"Jon?"

"What about your brother?"

"The demon blood. How did it happen?"

Dad turns his face away from me, looking up at the sky and clasping his hands. "We were stupid. A demon, Lilith poisoned him just shortly after he was born."

Such a good liar. Could have fooled me.

"Dad," I say in a more demanding voice. "Seriously."

"I'm serious," he says, his brows furrowing.

"Tell me it wasn't you."

His mouth opens slightly, and I can see that he's trying to keep his composure.

"Dad," I say, my voice barely a whisper. "Say something."

"It was for the good. Truly for all of the-"

"Or maybe just for you," I whisper.

I feel my heart breaking into pieces. I wanted him to say that he'd never do that. I didn't think about this scenario.

"You should go to sleep," he says in a tired voice.

"Jon..." I say, not daring to let myself cry. "You..."

"Clary," he says, putting his hand on my shoulder gently, which I shrug away.

"Get away from me," I say, burying my face in my hands.

"I'm-"

"Go away. Go away!" I raise my voice. "I just want to be alone."

He nods, then leaves as I told him to.

* * *

"Clary," Jonathan says as I walk back into the warm house. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I reply curtly.

"I saw you, you know. Kissing him."

"What?" I ask, startled.

"Jace," his face is all rigid. "And you."

"Jon, it was an accident!" I say, but my voice makes it sound like a question.

"And tell me, dear sister, how the hell do you 'accidentally' kiss someone?"

"You know what?" I say, suddenly feeling tired from all the drama. "I don't see why I should feel bad about it. It's not like you're my boyfriend or something."

"I'm not your boyfriend," he says, looking upward. "Of course, but the fact that you're still mine is crystal clear."

"I am not yours, Jon!" I say, irritated. He seems to be taken aback by my sudden anger.

"Then who's? Valentine's? Jocelyn's? Jace's?"

"Doesn't matter," I murmur under my breath. "I just want to go to bed and go to sleep, and if you stop me from doing it, I swear I really don't know what to do with you."

"Well, I hope you have a nice dream. About Jace, I suppose," his elegant lips twist into a sneer. "Disgusting. Panting after your own brother. Can't believe your self esteem is that low. Why don't you just go out and fuck strangers to get paid? We do need money, don't we?"

I stare at him incredulously, not able to believe that Jonathan-my brother, Jon-just said that to me.

"I can't believe you just said that," I say quietly, shaking my head.

Instant regret floods his eyes, and he takes a step toward me. "God, Clary. I'm so sorry. You know I didn't mean that. I was just mad."

"That's your problem, then," I say, bitterly, walking out of the room.

* * *

I startle awake when I hear someone turning the doorknob on my door. I tense up, my hand reaching toward the blade on my nightstand.

"Who is it?" I demand.

"It's me. Jace. Morgenstern," the door opens silently. "Or Herondale. I don't know."

I relax, my head falling back down on the pillow. "Jace," I say quietly.

"I don't know how mundies handle this stuff," he says, holding up a bottle. "Very awful." But he takes a sip from it anyways.

"Jace, are you drunk?" I ask, surprised. I've seen Jace drinking from time to time, but I've never seen him fully intoxicated. He always kept himself well composed.

"Maybe," he says, twirling the bottle. "I feel really awful."

"What even is that?" I ask, pointing at the bottle.

"I have no idea!" He says, laughing dryly. "It's something Pangborn and Blackwell sent us."

"Dad is going to be furious," I instantly wince as the word, 'Dad' comes out of my mouth.

"Hmm. I'm pretty sure about that," he says, walking shakily toward me.

"Jace, Jace," I say as he comes closer.

"Very funny," he says, pulling at a strand of my hair, making me wince a little. "It's the color of fire!" He seems to be proud at his own discovery.

"I'm pretty sure you know that already," I mumble.

He falls silent for a moment. "I think I'm going to throw up."

Oh my god, no.

* * *

I hit his back hard-probably harder than I should, but hey, I'm mad-as he throws up into the toilet.

"Thanks," he says coughing, and stand up.

"I'm gonna get you to bed," I decide.

"But I'm not tired at all," he says, cupping my cheek and leaning into me. Startled, I push him away abruptly, and pretend it didn't happen.

"Come on," I say, walking to his room.

"Just go to bed in your clothes," I say, stopping Jace from taking his shirt off.

"Stay with me," he begs, climbing onto his bed.

"I'm tired," I say, shaking my head. "I want to go to sleep."

"Then sleep here," he pats the space beside him. "With me."

"You smell like shit," I say, although my mind speaks differently.

"Yeah, about that," he buries his face in his hands, sighing. "Do you think you can get me a cup of water? I gotta wash this taste out of my mouth."

When I get him the water he asked for, his eyes are closed, and his breath steady. I turn to leave, but he calls out and stops me. "I'm not sleeping."

"Huh," I hand him the cup and he drinks from it quickly. "Jace," I try, using his drunken state and taking advantage of it. "Why do you hate me?" I sit beside him on the bed.

Then, he starts laughing hysterically, and I quickly hush him. "I hate you," he says, then pauses for a moment. Then, another burst of laughter. "I hate you so much, and I never want to see you again."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just asking why."

Instead of answering, he frames my face with his hand, making me feel very uncomfortable. "To love is to destroy?" He leans in closer to me, his mouth against my ear. "Bullshit. That is bullshit." He purses his lips for a while, then speaks again. "The truth is, the truth is actually bullshit." He laughs at this, then calms down again quickly.

"You're not making any sense."

"The truth is, the truth doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe you should just go back to sleep," I say, sighing. I'm not going anywhere with this.

So he sleeps, and I leave. Not. I stay beside him, watching him sleep. I wish I can keep him like this forever. Drunk Jace isn't all too bad.

"You know, Jon isn't the only one," he suddenly says, surprising me.

"What?"

"He's not the only one poisoned by him."

I shake my head, deciding to ignore what he just said. I stand up to leave, then think once more. I lie down beside him, putting my arms around him. He shifts away from me a little, but I don't let go of him. I know tomorrow morning will be a disaster. But doesn't matter for now, does it?

 **I know, I know. Clace. Finally. Although it wasn't exactly a pleasant interaction. Do you get what Jace tried to tell Clary? You better not, because I tried really hard not to make it too obvious. And thank you for your kind reviews, and hope you enjoyed. Merry Christmas!**


	13. Pretty Bad

**Pretty Bad**

I'm so stupid. So, so, stupid. I look at Jace, who's arm is draped over my stomach. This isn't going to end up well when he wakes up. His hot breath fans over my face, and I can't help but move closer to him. I don't want him to wake up.

I marvel at his golden hair, which I used to admire so much back when young. I used to play with his hair all the time, but one moment, he just snapped.

I feel him stirring a little, so I quickly shut my eyes close, my heart beating like hell. I feel the pressure on my stomach slowly lessening as he completely takes his arm off me. Still pretending to be asleep, I wait as he pulls the cover up to my chin.

I almost flinch when his hand brushes my face ever so slightly, then lingers there. And I can tell that he is hovering over me. Then, a short gasp of breath.

"You're awake," he suddenly states, and I feel him pulling away. Oh my god.

I open my eyes just a little. "Good morning?" I squeak.

His eyebrows shoot up with confusion, then he lifts himself up completely and rolls to his side.

is this the asshole Jace or just Jace? I cannot tell as he just gets out of bed. And leaves the room without saying anything. Okay.

I'm rooting for the asshole Jace.

* * *

Moving. I don't feel nostalgic at all. But Jace seems to be. We haven't talked at all ever since we got up, but I can tell that he wanted to stay longer at the manor. After all, this was where he grew up.

The cottage isn't too bad, though. It's nice. And peaceful. Jonathan seems to like it too, while Jace seems so reluctant.

"You really liked it back there, didn't you?" Dad's eyes fill up with emotions as he looks at Jace.

"Doesn't matter," he shrugs.

"I don't get this. When I left my home, no one ever said anything to me to make me feel better," I say, crossing my arms.

"Clary," Mom says in a warning voice, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"What?" I say in an annoyed tone.

"Why don't you go and unpack the stuffs?"

Sighing loudly on purpose, I sit up and head to my room with Jonathan following me.

"So," he says, sitting on a bed-which must be mine. "You like it here?"

"It's okay, I guess. Although, I do miss home. And Simon."

"You know you couldn't stay with him forever," he says, shaking his head. "He's a mundane."

"But still my friend. And I don't have many friends, you know."

"I don't get it," he says, his eyes on the ceiling. "You've got me. You're enough for me. I'm not enough for you, though?" Not again, Jon. Not again.

"Jon, that's different," I say, anger slowly building up in me.

"What's wrong with... Just me?" He says, completely ignoring me. "I care for you, I love you. I'm the one who's always there for you! You're all that I have. Yet... Yet you choose that bastard over me? Yet you kiss him, and not me? Why?"

"I..." My words get lost in my tongue. I was going to say that I never chose Jace over him, but that doesn't seem to be the right thing to say in the moment. "The truth is... I don't know either," my voice comes out as a whisper.

His face looks strained, and I know it's my fault. "It just doesn't make any sense."

"It's not like it's easy for me, though."

"Then kiss me, instead," he urges, framing my face with his hands. "That would be so much easier."

Maybe it is. Maybe he's right. But that doesn't stop me from pushing him away when he starts kissing me.

* * *

"Last night was nothing," Jace states, making me raise my eyebrows and withhold my laughter.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know. When I was drunk."

"It's not like anything happened," I mumble. "I only watched as you puked the shit out of yourself."

"A, I did not puke. Also, I was referring to what I said."

"You remember what you said?" I ask, frowning.

"No, but I bet it was something stupid," he avoids my eyes, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck. "And probably something that isn't true."

I cock my head, waiting for him to elaborate further.

"So," he says, pushing himself off the wall. "That's done."

"Seriously? That's all you wanted to talk about?" I ask incredulously.

"What more is there to talk about?"

"I don't know," I say half seriously. "About your split personality, perhaps?"

"Split personality?" He echoes, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Oh, because I just love waiting for you to turn into a jackass every freaking seconds."

"That's ridiculous."

"What part? Are you denying the fact that you're a total jackass quite often?"

"I wasn't implying that," he replies curtly.

"You're frustrating."

He only stares at the floor quietly, slouching back against the wall. "You are, too."

"You know what? I don't even know why I'm talking to you. And I-" but I only sigh as my eyes meet his golden ones. "Ugh, this is so hard," I bury my face in my hands.

"What is?"

"Talking to you. After... You know. And we're just simply ignoring the fact that we... That we kissed!" Oh come on. I did not just say that.

"Excuse me, but it wasn't a we. It was just you."

"No," I say, refusing to let it go this time. "I know you kissed me back. Don't lie to me, Jace."

"And I think you have mental issues. Hallucinating. I never kissed you back, you stupid, stupid girl."

"I know it was real!" I say, trying my best to contain the frustration. "And it's not like I want to think you did. I just hate it that you put everything on me!"

"Gosh," he says, taking a deep breath. "Can you stop?"

I open my mouth to say something, but he interrupts. "I said stop!"

Fighting the urge to punch him right in the face, I turn away and start walking.

"You lied too," his voice stops me, mid step. "When you said it's not like you want to think I kissed you."

"Oh, go fuck yourself."

And that's all I really said back. Because obviously, I'm not the best liar in the world.

* * *

"Oh my god, guys. What's all this noise?" I complain while walking into the kitchen, rubbing my eyes. It's five in the morning.

"Clary," Jonathan breathes, his face a little red.

"Jon, don't tell her," Mom says sternly. "Jonathan."

"Wait, Clary," Jace interrupts, looking desperate. "I swear he isn't speaking the truth."

Confused, I take a step back. "Is something wrong?" I ask, beginning to feel nervous.

"Yes, it is. And it's all because of him," Jonathan says, pointing at Jace.

"What did he do?" I ask, sensing that this is something bad. "Jon, tell me!"

"Simon's hurt." Oh my god. No. "He was attacked by several vamps. And somebody sent it. We just figured out who."

"Not Jace," I whisper under my breath.

"Clary," Jace says, his eyes wild. "You know I'd never do that to Simon. Not to anyone."

"Then how do you explain what they said when they were caught? Huh?" Jonathan glares at him, his voice accusing.

"They were lying!"

Jonathan shakes his head, gripping at the kitchen table tightly. "You know, if our father finds out about this, you are so dead."

"I'm not, because I didn't do it. And he'll believe me. He doesn't trust-"

"Jace," Mom says in a tired voice. "Stop."

"You don't believe me too?" Jace says, hurt filling in his voice. "You actually trust the vampires over your own son?"

"They had the evidence, Jace," Mom says, her voice louder than the usual. "So stop."

And that's it. They had the evidence. I stop defending him in my mind. I hate him. I'll kill him.

"You..." I start, unable to finish the sentence. "You actually did that to Simon?"

His eyes focus on me, emotions masking his face. "Clary. Why would I ever do that to him?"

But I stop listening to him. I can't. "I thought there was something good, deep inside you," my voice wavers as I try my best to form a coherent sentence. "How foolish of me."

And that's when my anger driven fist meets his face.

* * *

"I'm so sorry, Clary. I should have done something," Jonathan whispers, holding me close.

"Do you know if he's...?"

"The injury was pretty bad," he only says, his mouth against my hair.

Then, he leans in and catches my lips with his own. I shake my head, pushing him away.

"I can make you feel better. I can love you better," he says quietly, leaning into me again.

But I don't think I want to be loved anymore.

 **For starters, I'm so sorry for updating so late and that this chapter was crappy.. I've been so busy. The school really hates me, and it must have decided to make it official. So yeah, that's my excuse. I promise I'll come up with a better chapter in the next update. Thank you all for reviewing!**


	14. Black and a Bit More

**Black and a Bit More**

This is all my fault. Everyone was right. I should've stayed away from Simon. Jonathan kept telling me that it's not my fault, but I know he's lying.

Rolling my fingers into a fist, I imagine myself punching Jace. I thought he wasn't all bad, deep in his heart. I was wrong. He hurt Simon, probably just because he hates me. He's a psychopath, I decide.

"Clary," a voice interrupts my thoughts from outside my room. Jonathan.

"Hey," I say, smiling weakly.

"You feeling... Better?" He asks, walking across the room and sitting beside me on the bed.

"Nope. Not at all," I stare at the white ceiling, trying to push the thoughts of Simon away. "Do you know if he's... Turned into a vampire or whatever yet?"

"The doctors are watching him."

"Shouldn't we... Turn him? Isn't that how it's supposed to go?" Gosh, I can't believe I'm talking about Turning Simon into a vampire.

"I think we should leave him like that. After all, he's at the hospital."

I bite my lower lip, looking down at my hands. "It's not fair for him," I whisper.

He doesn't say anything, his lips pursed into a thin line.

"You know," I start carefully, suddenly feeling like I'm the one who needs to cheer him up. "I think we should Turn him. I mean, he can't live like this."

"But you're okay with him being a vampire?" Jonathan raises his eyebrow incredulously.

"No. But you know... The circumstances," I shake my head. "It's not right, and you know that. We should take him out from the hospital and Turn him."

"We? Why is it we? Why do we have to take all the risks of Turning him without being caught by mundanes, or worse, the Clave when he was the one who caused all this? I'm so tired of cleaning after his and your mess."

"Okay, fine. It's not like I told you to go or anything. I'll go by myself," I say, irritated. What happened with 'being there for me' and that kind of shit?

"Clary, I'm sorry," he says, his eyes instantly flooding with regret. "I'm sorry, you know I'll go and help you. I'm honestly sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"He's not... Fatally injured, right?"

"Except for the fact that he's been bitten? Not much. The vamps said Jace said not to hurt him in any other way."

Swallowing hard, I tug at the hem of my t shirt.

"Are you... Absolutely sure that Jace-"

"By the Angel, Clary. How many times do I have to tell you? We've got evidence and everything," he says, his voice showing off annoyance.

"I know, but, I-"

"You need to accept that he is bad. He is bad, Clary. Like I told you ever since we were young. He isn't like us."

An awkward silence passes between us. "I know," I finally say, biting my lower lip. "I know."

He then, pulls me into a long, comforting hug.

But only if it was as comforting as ten years ago. I pull away, stiffened, but he cups my cheeks and leans into me. When his lips catches my lower lip in between, I freeze, feeling the urge to just close my eyes and pretend that it's... That it's someone else.

I can't, though. "Jon..." I speak softly between his kisses. "No."

But he only deepens the kiss, his fingers weaving through my hair. He shifts his weight onto me, pushing me down on the bed and pinning my wrists beside my head on the sheet.

"I love you," he whispers after each kisses. "You'll never know how much I want you."

"Please," I say, struggling underneath him. "Let me go, Jon," a little be more firmly than before. "You know I don't want you like this. I mean it."

"You lie when you say that," his hard, obsidian eyes meet mine.

"I don't. Get. Off me."

"Two minutes. And I'll show you how good I can make you feel."

"I don't want that," I say, shaking my head.

But he ignores me, pressing himself harder against me. His mouth land on mine, kissing hard and trying to make my lips respond. He parts my lips forcefully, and all I can think of is... This isn't Jonathan. Not the one who I really care for. So does it matter if I hurt him? Do I really have to be careful with what I say to him?

I bite hard down on his lip, tasting blood as he yelps, pulling back. "Clary... You know better than that."

"Well, I don't. Get off me. Now."

"You can't overpower me. We both know that."

"I can overpower you if I wanted to."

"Same thing, because you don't want to," he says, smirking-which only makes his lips bleed more.

His lips move down across my neck to my collarbone, and I thrash wildly underneath him, feeling a trickle of blood down my neck from his lips. He moans softly at the contact, pressing his hips harder against mine.

Gasping, I try to form a coherent sentence. "If you didn't have demon blood in you, would you still do this to me?" I ask, and I can see that it worked when Jonathan tenses up.

"What do you mean by that?" He demands, pulling away.

"You're my brother. This is all wrong. I bet if you didn't have demon blood, you wouldn't be doing this."

"I'm not a monster," he whispers, his eyes getting lost.

"Prove yourself."

Hurt and shock flashes across his face. "You... Used to tell me I'm not a monster."

"And you used to be just my brother."

* * *

How to face him at dinner... How to not yell at him...

"You look upset, Angel. Is something wrong?" Dad asks, being the only one who doesn't know.

"No, not at all," I say, glancing over at Jace with hatred boiling in my gaze.

To my surprise, though, Jace doesn't act like I thought he would; all natural, just looking tired and weary. In fact, he looks as uncomfortable as all of us.

"Jocelyn? Did something happen?" Dad's eyes shift to Mom, who only stares down at the plate.

Please don't ask Jonathan, please don't. Because I can see the look in his eyes that is about to tell Dad right away when he asks him.

"You know how I hate it when my own family keeps secrets from me," Dad says, leaning back against his chair. "Jonathan-"

"Actually," Jace suddenly interrupts, standing up abruptly. "I need to talk to Clary." His face looked strained and nervous. No... Not what I expected at all.

"Well, she's not interested," Jonathan says, shifting uncomfortably.

"She'll be interested, I'm sure. After all, I'm the only one who knows everything, aren't I?" His golden eyes land on my persuasively.

And I stand up. And everyone stares at me.

"Are you seriously going to...?" Jonathan asks, his voice spelling out both betrayal and surprise.

"I'm just going to go to bathroom," I say quietly, walking out of the room with Jace following behind me.

* * *

"So...? Aren't you going to hear what I have to say?" Jace asks, grabbing my arm just as I'm about to walk into the bathroom.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you were going to let me talk to you."

"No, I'm going to bathroom like I already told you. Do you have hearing problems or amnesia? Actually, I heard arrogance helps with aging."

"We both know that's bullshit. Come on, Clary. Give me a minute."

"Alright," I say after a short pause, slouching against the bathroom wall. "Start talking."

"Seriously?" His eyes widen with surprise. I wait carefully as his delicate fingers leave my skin. And of course, as his familiar warmth disappears with it.

"Talk."

"Okay, look, I have no idea why I'm framed for this, but I'm telling you the truth-and you know I don't lie about things like this-I'm not the one who did this." I always liked it to see him vulnerable. Call me weird, but...

"You actually expect me to believe that?" I say, my glare accusing. "After all the things you've done to me?"

"I know!" He says, exasperated. "I know, yes, that I've been a total asshole to you. But, you know I'd never do this kind of thing. After all, why would I do that?" I see several rolls of tides in his golden eyes, so desperate. I wonder how he can have golden eyes. And those damn eyes...

"Look, I've heard about the evidence, Jace. So stop-"

"Those crappy, mundane evidence? They can be easily made by a bits of glamour." I've always liked the color of his eyes.

"I don't know why you're doing this to me. Stop making me confused!"

"Confused? I'm trying to make you figure the truth out." And the color of his hair, too.

"Are you doing this?" I ask in daze, wondering why his eyes are so golden. "Are you making me feel like this?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says, frowning. And all the spell suddenly breaks.

"You! Making me feel like..."

There is only silence as I try to avoid an eye contact.

"Making you feel like what?" I cannot tell if there's a smirk on his face because I cannot look at him. "How am I making you feel confused?" Is he joking or is he being serious? I dare to look at his face, but then the last thing I know, his lips are on mine, while his strong arms wrap around my body.

While I stand there enveloped in his arms, trying to figure things out, Jace deepens the kiss. And gosh... I cannot push away. I literally cannot. How to think... But with my fluttering heart hammering against my ribcage, the only thing I can think of is how his lips are so soft-better than I imagined, and how warm his embrace is, and how I don't want to think anymore so I can kiss him back.

So I do. I do kiss him back. Fluttering my eyes shut, I let my hands tangle in his soft hair, just like I always wanted to. I let him push me harder against the wall, his body pressed against mine. I get lost in his fervent kisses and his soft hums in between them.

His hands move down to my waist, then to my hips, every inch of my skin he touches left burning. And when he starts to lift the hem of his t shirt off, I think I can forget everything. About Dad, about Jonathan, about Simon... Simon.

Suddenly, my body falls numb as I realize this is the Jace who attacked Simon.

"Jace," I say, quietly yet firmly, pushing him away. His eyes are still closed, and his hot breath fans over my face. "Your minute's up."

* * *

"But I didn't even get to say what I got to say," he murmurs against my ear, his grip on my hip tightening.

"I'm not joking," I say, trying to stabilize my wavering voice. "This is enough."

He opens his eyes in realization that I'm serious.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" I ask in an accusing, not daring myself to cry. "I can't believe I did that! After all you've done...?"

"Wait-"

"And then, tomorrow... Tomorrow, you'll make fun of me that I actually kissed you back."

"Clary, I swear-"

"And you did that to Simon! And that's why you kissed me. You were trying to manipulate me, like you always do."

"Clary-" he puts his hand on my shoulder which I shrug away.

"But guess what? You're not fooling me again. Get. Away. From me."

I can see hurt flashing through his eyes, but I know it's fake. Because he's always fake. To me, at least.

 **I am honestly so sorry for not updating often these days. I'm trying, I promise... I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though. And to Emily(guest); you GOTTA BE one of my friends! I mean they keep telling me to stop saying 'stuffs' but I. Just. Literally. Cannot. Fix. This. Freaking. Problem.**

 **Anyways, thank you all for reviewing and stuff!(hey, I did it!** )


	15. Monster Under My Bed

**Monster Under My Bed**

I let my legs dangle from the edge of his bed, waiting for him to come. I won't yell at him. I won't. I'll control my anger. Just tell him what you got to say and go back to your room, Clary.

Sighing, I look around his room until I see something. Shiny. I move over to his nightstand, spotting a ring. A Morgenstern ring. I can't help but smile to myself. That arrogant bastard.

But no, he still did do that to Simon. Or did he...?

I clutch the ring tight in my hand, curling my fingers around it.

I look up as he enters the room, surprise pulling on his face. "Clary," he breathes out, walking toward me.

"No, no, stop there," I tell him sternly, making him stop. "I just need to tell you something."

"O...Kay," he says, his eyes searching my expression.

"Simon."

"Look, Clary, I swear-"

"No, not about that. I-" sighing, I search for words. "Think. That he should be... Turned. You know, because he's been... You know."

"You're... Going to turn your bestfriend into a vamp?"

"Well, it's not my fault!" I say in an accusing voice. "If you hadn't-"

"I hadn't."

I roll my eyes, then catch his eyes staring at my hand around the ring.

"You-" he eyes me carefully, topping my hand with his own.

I try to resist the urge to smile at the look of his face. I mean. He's. So. Dang. Cute. Wait, what? No.

But gosh, I just cannot stop thinking about that kiss...

"I just found it, you know, um..." He mumbles on and on, but all I can concentrate on is how to not kiss him again.

When he finds me staring mindlessly at his lips, he smirks and leans down. And when his lips meet mine, oh. I suddenly understand why Romeo asked for his sin back.

I can't help but close my eyes shut as his warm hands cradle my face gently. And when my arms hook around the back of his neck, pulling him down on me and collapsing onto the bed. And when his soft hair is tickling my cheeks as his kisses grow more heated.

When I wrap my legs around his waist, he moans softly and buries his face against the crook of my neck. "Gosh, Clary," he whispers softly, and I tug lightly at his hair.

His kisses trail down to my collarbone, tracing the lines and my mind gets lost in them. How to stop... How to...

"Wait, no," I finally breathe out, opening my eyes. "Get off me."

He tenses up as he notices the sharp edge in my voice. He slowly moves away from me, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?!" I demand incredulously. "What's wrong?! Are you kidding me?"

"Clary, I-"

" _My_ love," I choke, feeling the tears forming. " _My_ love-It's so hard. But you can just... It's so easy for you."

"Who said it's easy for me?" He asks, tension building up between us.

"Because obviously, you don't mean it. And you hate me. And I... I love you, okay? Not just like that, but I get jealous when you're with another girl, and stuff like that and I just can't..." Why can I not form an intelligent sentence, why can I not... "And you. You play around with me like I'm your toy-"

"Sometimes, I just don't believe you. Honestly, is that all you ever see?"

"I know what I see and I know it's what it is," I say, reminding myself to breathe. "Don't deny it. I'm not stupid."

"I'm denying it because it's not the truth," his voice suddenly turns softer. "Does this feel fake to you?" His lips brush gently against my cheek, his eyes closing.

"That..." I sigh. "That is exactly what I don't need right now. I need you to stop with your craps right now."

"You think what I feel is a crap?" He demands, his voice hardening.

"Well, you never gave me a reason to prove it wrong."

"Don't. Tell me what I feel."

A stiff, uncomfortable silence passes between us.

"So what do you want from me, then?" He asks quietly.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all," a lie.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you."

He inhales sharply, pushing himself off me and the bed in a swift movement. "Well, then," he gives me a hard, cold look. "Get out of my room."

* * *

"So what did he say? Is he coming?" Jonathan asks in a hard voice as I come into his room.

Oh crap. Right. That was why I went to his room.

"Um... No. He's not coming with us. It's not like we need him, anyways."

"Good," he says, smiling. "So when are we leaving?"

"How about tomorrow?"

* * *

"I know it," Dad suddenly says to me from his room as I'm passing.

"What?" I stop walking and face him.

"I know that something's up with Jace. And you."

"It doesn't concern you, really." You never liked Simon after all.

"It does, if it concerns you. It hurts to see you stressed out, Angel."

"Well, I obviously don't need you to be," I say, walking into his room and closing the door behind me. "I'm not your little Angel anymore. I'm so tired of you following me around as if I'm a toddler."

"Angel-"

"Clary."

"Clary," he corrects, taking a deep breath. "I know you've grown up, but that doesn't mean I stop caring for you."

"It's so sick," I whisper.

"What?" He steps back, confusion washing over his face.

"You did that to Jon. Stop pretending you care. Wait, do you even love me at all?"

"Of course I love you! I've always loved you, and I'll always love you," I can see desperation on his face. But desperation too often ruins men.

"And Jon? Do you love him?"

"Jon... He's different."

"He is still your son. How can you talk of him like that?"

"He was a mistake."

"Your mistake, that is. He's still my brother, and stop treating him like crap. I love him."

"You shouldn't love him. He is not good for you."

"The hell he is! You're not good for Mom, I know that for sure. She doesn't deserve you. If I tell her what you've done to Jon-"

"She knows, she knows, goddammit!" He wails, his eyes going wild. No, please... Don't give me that look. Stop breaking my heart. "I love her, and I swear I'm trying to change. I know I made a mistake-"

"And you're still making mistake. That's why we're here, isn't it? Because of you and that stupid Circle! She hated it, do you know that? She still hates it!"

"I'm trying," he inhales deeply. "To make amends. I'm trying to make it right again. For our family. Just like we were before."

"Before when Jon started changing. Before I knew what kind of man you are."

"But you still love me."

"That doesn't matter."

"Give me another chance, Clary. Please. I swear I'll make it right again."

"You'll never make it right, don't you get it, Dad? Our family is too broken. You, Jace, Jon-" I take a deep breath, trying to make the headache go away. "Stop the Circle, Dad. Stop everything."

"I can't," he only says quietly.

"Look at Jon," I whisper desperately. "Look at him! If it weren't for you..."

"You should give up with him. He's not something you can fix. Don't be one of those stupid girls who think they can fix a boy by love. He's a demon. He can't be fixed."

"He's better than you, at least. He's trying."

"Trying, for him, doesn't mean anything. Let him go, Clary. He'll only hurt you."

"But you hurt me the most."

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, shaking his head in true sorrow.

* * *

"Jon," I gasp as I find him leaning against the wall, just outside the room. "You heard."

"Do I hurt you?" He asks in a strained voice, staring at me like a lost boy. "Do I?"

I shake my head, but he sees my hesitation.

"Do you think I can't be fixed? Do you think I'm not worth loved?"

"Jonathan..." I whisper, stepping closer to him.

"Do you want me to go away? Would it make you stop hurting?" He chokes, reaching out toward me and touching my hair softly. When I don't answer, he drops his hand.

"I hate myself," he says angrily, his fingers curling into a fist. "I want to kill myself. Fuck it, I want to kill myself!"

"Stop!" I begin panicking as he fumbles around with his belt, pulling a knife out. "Jon, stop!" I slap away the knife just as he raises it, and I can feel hotness streaming down my palm. Blood.

"I love you," I assure him, not caring about the cut. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I keep repeating them, watching as the emotions in his eyes get replaced with satisfaction.

"Kiss me, then," he says hoarsely, grabbing my hand and squeezing it despite its bleeding. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care that he's hurting me.

Trying to keep his gaze away from the knife on the wooden floor, I press my lips against his. I don't care.

 **I know, it's sick as hell.**

 **.**

 **But at least Simon will be in the next chapter, so that's good, right?! :) yay...?**

 **Clace. I know. I can be pretty mean. But trust me when I say this whole mess between them will be over soon.**

 **Thanks for reviewing!**


	16. Mockingbird

**I'M SORRY. I know, I'm a horrible person. But there's a tiny bit of Clace later on in this chapter ;) so forgive me...?**

 **Mockingbird**

"I don't think I can do this," I whisper to Jonathan, staring down at Simon lying down on the hospital bed.

"It was going to happen sooner or later," he replies soothingly. "Or do you want me to do it?"

"Maybe..."

Kneeling down beside him, I lift the collar of his shirt a bit, finding the bit turned blue and red. Sighing, I hand my blade to Jonathan carefully, giving him the ready look. He nods once, then plunges the blade right into Simon's heart.

Although I was ready for it, and although I was expecting it, I can't help but gasp his name. The beeps from the machine turn into a one, steady long beep as I hear people trying to open the door which was locked by a rune.

Jonathan steadily lifts Simon up, then walks into the portal I've created before with me following.

* * *

"So we just wait?" I ask, shivering as the cold, harsh night wind glazes my skin.

There's a graveyard in the dark, and there's a waiting for a vamp to dig itself out for blood.

"Patience, Clary," Jonathan replies, staring thoughtfully at where Simon must be buried. "You know we can't help him. He'll be fine, I'm sure."

And then he's rising. I stare in awe as Simon-and not to forget, my bestfriend-is slowly rising from the ground, digging himself up.

"By the Angel, Jon," I whisper, grasping my brother's arm.

* * *

With a flash.

He's here.

But different.

Not him.

* * *

A scream. Is that mine? I gasp as something-something dark-slams into my body, making both of us fall on the ground. Trying to catch my breath, I fight back the thing's head from reaching me-my neck.

"Simon!" I yell, or more like pant. "Stop, it's me!"

I knew it. Fuck it. We didn't get good enough blood?

But too late. I feel a fang driving beneath my skin a little, warm liquid pouring down my neck. It's okay, it's okay. It'll past. I'm a shadowhunter. I can stand this. But the speed he's drinking-

Suddenly, he's off me, and I find myself slightly lightheaded.

"Clary!" I hear Jonathan yelling, holding back Simon. "Get the blood!"

I'm a shadowhunter. It's okay. I'm a shadowhunter. I'll be fine soon. Better than the mundanes. "I'm fine, I'm fine..." I begin mumbling.

"Clarissa Adele Morgenstern!" I hear him yell once more, snapping me back.

Already feeling a little better, I hurriedly grab the pack of blood and throw it toward my brother.

"We shouldn't have," he simply states, watching Simon tear the plastic sealing. "We shouldn't have done this."

* * *

I watch as he drinks. A sight I never thought I'd have to witness.

* * *

"You okay?" Jonathan asks me quietly, looking at the fading iratze on my neck.

I nod. It's not a lie. I guess shadowhunters _are_ shadowhunters after all.

Then, I see Simon suddenly look up from the blood, staring at the tombstone in front of his face. Blood dripping down his chin-ew-he turns his head to face me, a look of surprise clouding his face. "What- Clary?"

"Hey," I say a little awkwardly.

Jonathan frowns at my response.

"Holy shit. I'm so... So... Did I really...?"

"I'm okay," I say curtly, then regret making it sound too curt.

"Why don't we take this bloodsucker home?" Jonathan proposes, leaning back on his heels.

* * *

 _Are you feeling okay?  
_

I hit the send button on my new phone.

 _Other than the craving of blood? I guess, yeah._

Smiling, I send a syringe emoji quickly, waiting for his response. Gosh, it's so good to be like a mundane again.

...which doesn't last for long, apparently. I toss the phone under the cover as someone knocks on my door.

"Who is it?" I ask, hoping to hell it's not Dad.

Without an answer, the door opens, revealing Jace. Oh, so great. Dad would be better despite the phone a few inches from me.

"I never said come in."

"I didn't figure you would," he simply says, shutting the door behind him and walking closer.

"What do you want?" I give him my best scowl, feeling for my phone over the cover.

"I heard from Jonathan that you guys went to Turn Simon."

"And why are you so interested? Oh wait, yeah, because you caused all this."

"Why are you being so snappy again? You were kissing me just before!"

My lips part in disbelief as annoyance fog my brain. "And..when was that? Excuse me if I'm having a memory loss."

"Come on, Clary. You know it wasn't me," his voice suddenly turns quiet as his gaze lowers to my lips for a second.

"What do you mean?" I stare at him incredulously.

"You know who it really was. You know I didn't do that to Simon. But you do know who else would."

Jon. He's talking about Jon. Well, poor him if I don't believe that for a second.

"Fuck you," I say, fuming at how gold his eyes are.

"Ah, I knew it. You are into me."

"Bite my ass, Jace. Stop kidding with yourself."

"Then tell me so," he says, tilting his head slightly and sitting beside me on the bed. "Tell me you're not into me at all."

"I'm not. I'm not into you," I reply calmly, scooting away from him, wincing a little as my hip hits the spot where my new phone is buried. "I only think of you as a brother-a schizophrenic brother that is."

I feel a small satisfaction as hurt flashes across his eyes. An eye for an eye.

"Sweetie," he starts, inhaling sharply. "Hammurabi does not suit you. Drop your act." Oh, an effing psychic, he is.

"Bastard," I glare at him. "You stupid asshole, who said it's an act? Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."

"Like what? Texting your dear Lewis?" I jump slightly at this. How does he know? "Did you honestly think I wouldn't know? I've lived with you for more than fifteen years now."

His hand slides across the bedsheet, his skin brushing against my hip as he pats the protruding spot beneath the cover.

"Hope you had fun texting the mundane. I sometimes wonder why you're even a shadowhunter. You know you can get out of this world. Nephilim are allowed to leave the Clave and stay with mundanes. I think it'd be better for everyone's sake."

"Are you saying you want me to leave?" I feel something burn down my throat.

"Now, that doesn't feel so good, isn't it? If you stop, I'll stop."

I almost ask him what to stop. Childish. Always been.

"Oh, Jace, what hurts you so bad? That I only think of you as a brother? That I would rather text Simon?" I see him flinch at this. "Ah, so it is true, isn't it? You're a jealous freak."

"Don't push it, sister," he says dangerously, his eyes burning gold.

I gasp as his hand grabs my shoulder, pushing me down on the bed and poising himself so he's hovering over me. I'm pretty sure he can hear my heartbeat ramming against my ribcage now. His hand slide down to my wrist, his thumb resting on my pulse.

"Fast," he murmurs softly, making me glance away from his arrogant smirk scoffing.

"You're mad."

"Am I?" He tilts his head, noting that I'm not pushing him away yet. "I'm definitely angry, though, yes."

"At what?"

He manages to tilt the corner of his mouth up a little. Then, he leans down, his lips brushing against mine once. Despite myself, I hoist myself up on my elbow, closing the distance again and pressing my lips against his firmly.

I sense his surprise, encouraging me to part my lips. His grip on my wrist loosens as I hook my arms around the back of his neck, crashing his mouth against mine.

Making a soft sound, he presses his body closer to mine, sucking gently at my bottom lip and making me gasp. What has taken me, I don't know. But I don't mind. Nope, not a one bit.

I love how hot his skin feels against mine, and how the kiss tastes like chocolate.

His hands get tangled up in my hair, and I grab them, never breaking the kiss. While yesterday's kiss was more of a confused one, this one is more gentle. Sweet. And I don't ever want it to end.

Jace is the first one to break it, but instead of pulling away, he drags his lips down to my jaw and to the base of my neck, brushing lightly.

"Clary," he whispers softly and brushes his thumb across the back of my hand. "Tell me what you want," he says in a gentle voice I never thought was capable for him ever since our childhood ended. "I'll do anything."

Simon.

Inhaling shakily, I push him away a little. I find him staring up at me through his long lashes.

"You know I can't forgive you," I whisper.

"You know I don't need forgiveness," he says, his expression unchanging. "Because you know it wasn't me."

"Huh, the situation seemed to speak it differently. And I wasn't just talking about Simon."

He frowns slightly, his thumb pausing to brush against my hand.

"What you did. You know it hurt me. Still hurts me. You're good at it. I don't want that happening."

"I won't let it happen."

"The last time you made that promise, you were hitting Jon down to pulp."

He laughs softly. "Not that I regret it, but... The last time I made that promise was to be a good brother. I'm a better boyfriend than brother."

I flinch at the word boyfriend. "A boyfriend?" I ask, squinting down at him.

Stiff tension passes between us, the changed atmosphere suddenly making me feel lightheaded. But it doesn't last for long, because we soon enough hear footsteps down the hallways, increasing its volume.

"Well, then," Jace pulls himself up and out of the bed. "I guess that's it."

Just as the door opens with Dad behind it, Jace brushes past him. "Evening, Father," he says swiftly, not even looking behind.

 **Yes, Clary bought a new phone.**

 **And a bit of Clace.**

 **So I'm sorry I haven't updated for aaaaggges.**

 **Thanks for the reviews!**


	17. Tears

**Tears**

"So...?" I start, looking at Dad as my bedroom door closes.

"What were you and Jace doing?" He asks instead.

"Talking," I reply curtly, obviously not going to tell the truth, but then again, it's not completely a lie.

"Well," he stares at me knowingly. "Okay."

"So why are you here from the first place?" I ask, attempting to change the subject.

"I need to ask you something."

"Ah, if it's about Mom, I swear by the Angels-"

"Clave or me?" He interrupts, his gaze slicing through me.

"What?" I stutter, startled by he unexpected inquiry.

"In the decision of life or death, would you choose me or the Clave?"

"What kind of question is that?"

There seems to be something wrong. About Dad.

"Who are you loyal to?"

"Sed lex dura lex..." I tell him quietly. "The law is hard but it is the law."

"And that means you choose the Clave? Over me?"

"...no," I whisper.

"But what about your mother? Would Jocelyn do that too?" I can see his eyes burning. Burning high and bright, but I know it's something dangerous. It always turns into ashes, then nothing.

"Don't ask me that. Look, Dad..." I pause, then sigh. "Are you feeling okay? You seem to be... Different."

"Different is good. Changes... Correcting the mistakes..."

"What do you mean?"

"God, I love Jocelyn," he says, stepping closer to me. He touches my hair, spreading down to my shoulder. "Red..."

"Dad," I touch his hand gently, then flinch. "You feel... Really really hot. Like... I think you have fever."

Fever. Something Dad never seemed to have. Cold, hard Dad-Valentine, who never had anything to wear him down. And he's sick. Now.

"Fever's good. Means more caring."

He looks young, flushed. Maybe this is someone Mom fell in love with long time ago. Someone she's still in love with.

"Tell Jocelyn that I'm burning. Tell her I might be dying. Tell her I'm talking nonsense and I wouldn't last for long. And gosh, I'd just... I'd just be lying down here-" he looks at my bed. "Go tell her!"

"Dad-"

"Please. If you choose me over the Clave, you can easily do this for me, can't you?"

"It's not going to fix anything."

"Believe me, I don't care. Not anymore, at least."

* * *

I watch as Mom caresses Dad's silver hair, her hand delicate with love and caring. I cannot tell if Dad is acting to be insane, or if he in fact, is insane. I decide to root for both.

* * *

 _Hey..._ I step back as I receive a text from Simon.

 _What is it?_ I text back instantly.

 _Well... Remember when I drank... Well, your blood?_

 _Yeah, what about it?_

 _And you told me about you being a Shadowhunter and all that. And having angel blood running through your veins._

Someone interrupts me as I try to type back.

"Jon," I say, startled.

"Who are you texting?" He asks, looking suspicious. "Is it Simon?"

"You wouldn't tell Dad, would you?"

"Of course not. After all, he's gone all nuts and such. Serves him well."

"Don't talk about it like that," I tell him, though I know all the hatred he has toward Dad.

 _And you have that... Power to make runes_.

Another text from Simon.

"You going to answer that?"

"Later on, I guess."

There's a bit of silence flowing between us.

"I had a dream last night," he finally speaks. "About you."

My heart skips a beat. "What about me?"

He simply shrugs, looking at me intently. I look down at my phone as another text from Simon arrives.

 _I saw something last night_.

"What is it?" Jonathan asks. "What is he talking about?"

 _It wasn't Jace, Clary_.

As in an instinct, I hide my phone away from my brother. Our intense eye contact tells me everything. Another text arrives, but I don't bother to check what it says. Because I know. No. I knew.

* * *

"Shh!" My own brother whispers harshly as he drives me back toward a wall, grabbing my wrist painfully. "Shut up, you stupid girl!"

One hand occupying both my wrists against the wall and another clamped on my mouth, Jonathan seems to be driven crazed, just like Dad.

"You don't know half a thing, Clary. I got it planned out, all of it," he speaks excitedly, his eyes wild and lost. "By the Angel, I can't wait to see you in a crown."

"I don't want to be in a crown. I don't want to be involved in your sick plan!"

"Sick plan? Sick is good sometimes."

"I told you, I don't want to be the ruler, I don't want the Clave to perish and us to take over!"

"Well you just don't know what you want," Jonathan says slowly, his eyes burning bright.

"And Simon-"

"Believe it or not, that was for you. I hoped you could realize how Jace can ruin you. I did it for you, despite all the risk!" He defends himself. Not that I care.

"You're crazy."

"Then you must be, too. Because you love me."

* * *

It's been long since Mom sang something to us. Now she's singing a soft melody to Dad, holding his hand close to her. Is he really sick? Or is this an act too?

Gently as ever, Mom reaches behind her back, and brings her hand back to Dad. He has his eyes closed peacefully, yet his breathing loud, breaking the scenery.

"I love you, Joceyln," he whispers, his eyes remaining closed.

"I love you too," she whispers back.

I see a flash of silver. The expected flash. And I can only watch as my crying mother takes my father's life. I saw this coming, from long ago, but I can't help but let out a gasp. Maybe I never did choose him over anything. But I still cry. Because it doesn't mean I don't love him.

 **I know. I'm a terrible person.**

 **1\. Im sorry I haven't updated for soooooo long.**

 **2\. I'm sorry this was such a crappy chapter, and not to mention, incredibly short.**

 **Anyways... Thanks for reviewing and all!**


	18. Ave Atque Vale

**Ave Atque Vale**

"Ave atque vale," I whisper softly from outside the room.

Mom repeats the same words, her voice thick with tears. Do I hate her? Do I hate my own mother because she killed my father? Someone I love?

"Ave atque vale," I say once again, looking at Jocelyn. She's a brave woman. I don't know if I like the way she's changed.

* * *

With heavy heart, I knock on Jace's door.

Silence.

And silence means he knows.

"Jace," I call out, trying to open his locked door.

I can simply draw a rune to open it, but I don't.

* * *

Since I don't think I can manage to go back into my room, I walk outside, getting the full moonlight in the darkness.

 _"Big Dipper," he says, pointing up at the night sky. "Nice, isn't it? Away from all the pollution and the bright neon_ _light?"_

"Pretty nice..." I murmur, tears slipping down my cheeks. Horrible sound escapes from my mouth.

I see a star shining bright. How I hope to god that's him, though I know it's a childish thought.

I see a star _burning_.

"Madness," a sudden voice interrupts my thoughts. "That was what killed him. Simply madness."

I turn to look at Jonathan, my sight blurry with tears.

"Aww.. Don't cry, sister. It makes you weak. And you wouldn't want to be weak cially right now..."

"Shut. Up. Jonathan. Doesn't it even make you grieve? Doesn't it even bother you?"

"What are you asking about? About how your mother killed Valentine? Don't worry of me being heartless. Believe me, I cried every night for this day."

I can't even think about Simon right now. "You never cared," I whisper.

He shrugs, sitting down beside me. "You wouldn't know."

"Go away," I gasp, rubbing my wrist against my knee, trying to pull the passionate sorrow out of myself. "Leave me alone." He doesn't move an inch. "...please."

"No, you need to stop crying," he says sternly, his cold eyes resting on me. "It's a delicate moment, now."

"What, by the Angels, are you keep talking about? Leave me alone, I said!" I scream, pushing at him and hiccuping through tears.

Tears...

"Before the sunrise..." He holds me down, his voice low and grave. "Get out of here. From Idris. Go back to New York and wait for me."

"Can't... What, why?"

"Can I trust you?" I nod, my eyes wide. "Promise you won't tell, Clary. Promise me. If you really love me."

"I promise," I whisper, telling myself to stop crying for now.

"The Circle. I was in control of it. Attack planned on tomorrow dawn. We're going to take over Alicante."

I shake my head slowly, staring at my brother incredulously. "No, you're not."

"It's true. You can bring Jace or Jocelyn or whoever, I won't care. Just get out of here before the attack."

"And what about you?!"

"I'll win the battle for you, then we can rule together. You know what you want."

"I can't do this, Jon. I can't have you in that bottle, opposing to the Clave."

"Since when were you so loyal?" He squints at me, frowning. "You never liked the Clave. The law is hard, but it is the law. Then, so what? What the fuck does the fact that 'it is a law' changes?"

"I'm worried about you."

He scoffs. "No, you're not. You're worried of the Angels."

"Don't make me choose," I tell him warningly.

"Oh, come on, Clary. _Don't make me choose between you and Mom. Don't make me choose between you and Jace. Don't make me choose between you and Angels..._ Well, dammit, I thought you were slightly more interesting than that. You can't sit on the fence anymore. You need to take a side. Because it's a war, now," he hisses. "And remember, I'm going to win this one."

"I thought you actually cared for me," I say forcefully, swallowing the tears back, unwilling to step back. "I believed you. Trusted you."

"You never did. Don't try to fool me, little sister. And I do care. That's why I'm giving you a chance. To win this game and take over with me."

I study his eyes, not finding any piece of hesitance.

"Run away before the sunrise, Clary."

"Okay," I whisper, feeling lightheaded.

"Right," he says, satisfied, then rests his hand on my shoulder to kiss me. "I'll win this for you."

* * *

I don't even hesitate to use the rune on Jace's door now. I'm too tired of conflicts. I burst into his room, finding him packing bags.

"Jace... What, what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving," he says quietly and firmly, not even bothering to look at me.

"Leaving? To where?"

He shrugs, tossing some blades on the floor.

"You were going to leave me behind," it wasn't a question.

"I need time," he sighs, finally resting his eyes on me. "And space."

"Look, if it's because of... What happened..."

"I don't care what you're going to say right now. I'm leaving, end of discussion."

"It hurts me too. A lot," I whisper, my voice squeezed out painfully.

"I know," his eyes turn softer, walking toward me. "Believe me, I do, but... I'm not you. I can't... Handle this."

"I can't handle this either. But if we help each other..."

"It's not going to work, Clary. Let me be, and I'll let you be."

I don't cry. I won't cry. I nod slowly. "Alright. Leave."

He looks surprised by my reply, but gives me a tight smile. "Come here."

I throw myself in his arms, finally letting the sobs come out.

"Shh... Don't cry, don't..."

Wrapping my arms tightly around him, I reach up to kiss him, hard on his lips. He grabs my waist, kissing me back as forcefully as I am. He backs me up onto his bed, pressing me down against the mattress, hovering over me.

"I love you. By the Angels, I love you, Clary." Then don't leave... I say in my head, but don't put it in words out loud. "Do you love me?"

"I'll tell you when you come back," I answer, half joking and half serious. "Leave before the sunrise, okay?"

He nods, kissing me once again. Soon, we're back to passionate embrace, our clothes slowly being shed one by one. Then we have the most perfect, yet the most mournful night of our life.

* * *

Waking up beside Jace is one thing. Leaving him is another. Dragging my sore body out of the bed, I take a glance of him one last time. Our first time, it tasted like tears.

.

I know perfectly what to do. I won't run away. I won't keep my promise. I know betrayal is considered villainous and loathsome.

But let me write a glorified betrayal.

 **Um... Sorry for the short chapter. Yeah, I'm back to life.**

 **0_o**

 **thanks for reading!**


	19. Beautiful Abandon

**Beautiful Abandon**

"So your brother, you say?" The Consul, Jia Penhallow speaks up, her eyes narrowed. "And an attack on tomorrow dawn?" I nod swiftly. "What time exactly? Do you know?"

"No, but he told me to escape before sunrise. I've warned my other brother and my mother to escape, and they did."

"But how do we know this isn't a trick?" A bald Shadowhunter interrupts. "You are a Morgenstern, and he is your brother after all. Why should we trust you?"

"Because this is your last chance," I say, leaning back on the chair and trying to look confident. "You decide. But if you don't send warriors to strike him before dawn, you're gonna regret it."

"Is this a threat, Miss Morgenstern?" Jia asks. "Toward all the Nephilim and the Clave?"

"I'm afraid not, ma'am. It's a warning."

The voice of Shadowhunters in the hall rises into shouts chaotically.

"I'm trying to help you," I hiss over the background noise. "I'm different from him. And I don't care about him. He's a bloodthirsty demon, that's what I see him as," every words I speak of him, it hurts me like a dagger. You're not a monster... I remember myself telling him, yet here I am, a backstabbing bitch.

"Very well," the Consul finally says slowly and smoothly, but I can still spot suspicion in her eyes. She doesn't trust me. Just not yet. "We'll send Shadowhunters at dawn. Have any plan to capture him?" She smirks, challenging me. "You're his sister, you know him the best."

I give her a bit of confident smile. "No need for that, I already took care of it."

"You mean you killed him?" Jia asks skeptically, narrowing her eyes once again.

"No, not really. But I've put a rune on him. He cannot walk out of the house."

Jia clasps her hands, brushing her fingers gently against her own skin. "Good. Good, so we'll just send a few to kill him down. Anyone who volunteers?"

And just like that, the whole crowd yells his or her name, their voice echoing around the hall.

"Wait, before that," I speak up, my voice loud intentionally. "I want to visit my house again." Everything falls into silence. Jia opens her mouth to say something, but I cut her off right away. "I have a few things to save from the mess you're going to make."

"What kind of 'a few things'?" Someone from the crowd asks.

"Something important to me."

"Jewels are not the case, do you promise?" I'm surprised by the willingness of Jia to let me.

"Of course."

"Well, then, I guess the Sword is going to help us decide."

* * *

So I'm brought to the Mortal Sword. I've never touched this before.

"Miss Morgenstern, please hold the Sword." I do as the Consul says. "Now, are you sure there's going to be an attack at dawn?"

"If you don't strike him first," I tell her.

"And you going back to the house where your brother is currently at, do you swear that you're just going to pick up a few important things for you, and nothing more?"

"Yes. I swear." Because he _is_ important to me. That's not a lie.

"And are you loyal? To the Clave?"

"I'm loyal."

"Well, then," Jia speaks softly. "You're free to go, but be sure you're going to be back before we attack."

"Of course," I give her a reassuring smile, and I see her returning it.

Too bad. She doesn't know that some loyalties are much stronger than others.

* * *

"Jon!" I call out, walking into the half empty house of my own.

"Clarissa," he appears from the kitchen, looking messy with a can of beer in his hand. He's a bit drunk, I can see. "You didn't do as I told you."

"When do I ever do?" I say softly, walking toward him slowly.

He tilts his head painfully, and I can actually see the literal agony in his eyes. "I failed," he croaks, the alcohol probably controlling his brain. "I can't win this for you. Not now. Some bastard," he inhales sharply, his eyes burning with anger. "Put a rune on me. I can't get out of here. Like a newborn baby. I can't walk out of this house."

The silence starts, and I let it be.

"So stupid..." He whispers, pulling me into his embrace. "I'm sorry."

"Jon," I say, gathering all the courage I have and pulling away a bit from him. "It was me."

"Hmm?" He asks, his eyes muddy with his drunken state.

"I'm the bastard, Jon. I drew the rune on you."

He doesn't seem to understand me for a second, but I know instantly when he does, because he throws the can to me. "You... You bitch!" He screams, and I know the alcohol is turning him. He's not calm, he's not smooth. He's messy and uncontrollable. "I promised the world for you, and this is how you pay back?"

He grabs my wrist, and I bite the pain as he drives me into a wall.

"You're not a monster, you're not a monster," I gasp, chanting those words over and over.

"I don't give a fuck anymore."

"Why do you think I'm here, Jon?" He remains silent, silent with rage. "I told the Clave about your plan. I told them to attack you first."

At this confirmation, he trembles in pain, betrayal, and loss. The loss of his loving sister.

"But Jon," I speak once again, this time my voice much softer. "You gave me a chance. You told me because you care, that I should escape before the dawn. Because you love me," no, he doesn't. "And I love you. And I care about that."

"So what?" He says painfully. "You betrayed me. You obviously don't care, you don't-"

"I'm giving you a chance just like you did. The rune-it's not permanent. Run away before they attack. And don't come back for me. Ever."

"I can't promise that," he hisses, gripping my shoulder.

"Jon, you're hurting me," I say, twisting in his grasp. "Let go. Now."

"I can't do that," he smirks, pressing me against the wall harder. "I'm hurt. Fix me. Take my heart open and fix me back!" He yells.

"No."

"No?" He eyes me incredulously.

"Fix yourself. You hurt me too. Still hurting me. I'm trying to fix myself."

"And this is your way how? Betraying your own brother? Whom you've reassured 'not a monster' every day? Is this how you fix yourself?"

"However you'd take it, I don't care."

"Then I'll make you care," he fumes in anger, pressing his lips against mine.

I struggle against him, pushing and pulling, yet he is so much stronger than me. He tastes like alcohol and madness, combined together. I grab the lantern beside me and smash it against his head. The lightbulb breaks into pieces, shredding itself gracefully on the wooden floor.

Jon leans back dizzily, his eyes clouded. "It was a lie that you'd loved me."

"I gave you a chance, Jonathan. You turned it down. Wasn't my choice," I say, gasping.

"Well, I guess the war is still on, anyway. But now, it's about blood!" He throws himself on me, knocking me down onto the floor.

I scream, throwing my fists, yet continuing to miss. He traces my collarbone with his tongue, his hand already fumbling with the hem of my shirt.

"And I'll win this war for you, sister."

.

.

.

Panting loudly, I find my messy self running through the forest.

I don't think, I don't hesitate.

Until one single question pops in my head.

How did I get here?

Images flurry through my mind, memories clouding me.

Images of Jon. Jon kissing me. Jon holding me. Jon hurting me.

Then images of me. Grabbing a knife beside me. Stabbing him. Running away from him.

And I start running back to the house. Throwing the door open, I find Jon. Lying there.

Oh god, what have I done? Sob escaping from my mouth, I collapse beside him, pulling him into my arms. I try to scream all the pain out of myself, but I don't find anything escaping from me. And blood, God, so much blood. I grab at his wound, trying to stop it from killing him, but I know it's no use.

"Don't die, don't die, please don't..." I whimper, burying my head against the crook of his neck. I whisper infinite number of _I love you_ s, not caring whether it's true or not. Because it doesn't matter, really. But it matters that he is bleeding out in front of me because of what I've done.

The thousands of promises I've made to him. I love you, you're not a monster, I'll always be your sister, I'll never turn on you, you can rely on me, you've got me, it'll be okay, you're okay, I'm okay, we're okay...They all fall apart into different pieces of stories. Stories that now I cannot own.

It was all on me. Dad, Jace, and now him. I rock myself back and forth, clinging onto him as I realize how too much this all is for me. Only tears can escape from me-no pain, no agony, no rage does-as I feel the string between Jon and me tear out and fall off slowly.

And I know this is the end.

And this is how my brother dies for the second time in his life.

And this is how I lose everything in my life.

 ***cough* hello :)**

 **yup, I'm here.**

 **yeah, he's dead.**

 **yes, I'm sorry.**

 **jace is still gone.**

 **sorry again.**

 **next chapter will be...the last chapter.**

 **thanks for reading!**


	20. Blinded-epilogue

**Blinded-epilogue**

 _One, two, three._

 _One. Two. Three._

 _One._

 _Two._

 _Three._

It's okay. It's okay.

Dandelion seeds fly around the sky, some gently landing on the grass over his body.

I come here every morning, waiting. For what? I don't know.

I take care of the grass, and I bring more flowers in. Still not enough.

His laughter, his smile, his voice, his pain, his joy, his love and hate all buried underneath. It indeed is weird. At last I can over stand him.

Do I still love him? Did I ever love him? Did he love me? Does he still loves me?

And why does it matter? Why do I need to know of love? Haven't I already tasted the bitterness of it? Haven't I had enough of passion?

A hand suddenly touches my shoulder, making me jump. And God, I guess I haven't had enough yet. As soon as I see the golden hair, the shining eyes, the smooth skin-

And I still love Jace.

I don't know if it is the right thing to do where Jon's body is resting, but I throw myself into his embrace, inhaling his sweet scent. Gosh, how much I missed this. He makes me feel like a child again, oblivious of pain, death, and madness. And it's good.

His touch on my back is intoxicating, fixing me. Saving me from the chaotic mess of pain.

And Jace- I'd never make another choice for him. All the loss and heartbreaks I've suffered from, it doesn't matter now. Because blinded by him, I can only see the bright light ahead of me.

"You're back," I whisper, caressing his silky hair and burying my face against his neck.

"Yeah. I'm back."

"Don't leave...? Please. Don't leave me again," I beg like a lost child.

* * *

Cool autumn breeze brushes through our hair as we both stare off at Jon's grave, sitting on the grass. Peaceful. I'd never imagined I would feel this again.

"I heard it was you," Jace says, leaning back on his elbow. "It still hurts you, doesn't it?"

I nod, stroking the grass on the protruding part of the ground. "Never stops hurting."

"Time heals," he tells me, shrugging.

"No, time numbs you," I look at him, who's gazing at the sunset.

"Same thing."

"Maybe..." I inhale shakily. "I thought you would never come back."

"Well, you thought wrong," he says, smiling to me. "Do you regret it? Jon?"

"I regret a lot of things," I reply curtly.

"But...?"

"It's over, though. I don't wish for more. I mean, not anymore, at least."

He drags himself closer to me, resting his arm gently around my shoulder. "So what, now?" He asks, his breath brushing against my cheeks as his soft eyes meet mine.

"I don't know," I say quietly. "Going on with our life."

"What about us?"

"Um... Making out occasionally? Not sure," I say half jokingly.

He laughs a little, his body vibrating against mine. "I guess it doesn't matter."

"Nope, it doesn't."

He smiles at this, his eyes bursting with delicate emotions. "I," he says in a slightly shaky voice. "Am so, so, in love with you."

"And I you," I whisper back, an irresistible smile on my face.

"And happily ever after?"

"Forever and ever."

 **THE END**

 **Thank you all for reading, following, and reviewing. I really appreciate that. I hope you enjoyed... Um... Yeah, so.. Ha ha. Awkward me.**

 **BYE**


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